The Rock Flower

  It’s been roughly 9 months since Josh leaving for a 2^ndtime happened.  A lot of changes have transpired since then.  The biggest one is that we recently moved to Coeur d’Alene Idaho.  We moved for a lot of different reasons, but the biggest was to start a new life.  Not to run from our troubles, but to find a safe place away from the opinions of others for us to find healing.  The last almost 14 years have been full of pain and heartache between infertility, pregnancy loss, financial troubles, and the destruction of our marriage.  

In the post prior to this one I wrote of all the amazing miracles God did to not only help me survive disaster in my marriage, but how He brought my husband back home.  Now I want to share all of the amazing miracles he continues to pour out into our lives since then. 

The road to healing isn’t quick or easy.  It’s long.  It’s hard.  It’s painful, but to be pressed by a loving God is more rewarding than anything I have ever received.  I know you’re thinking to yourself how in the world could pain be rewarding?  It’s rewarding to feel the touch and the love of my heavenly Father.  To be chosen!  To be considered strong enough to endure!  To be pulled into the master’s hands and be sculpted into God’s master piece!  To be shown how to love, forgive, and show compassion as He does.  That’s what makes it worth it all.  The more I fall in love with my savior the more I long to be like him.

 

One of my most favorite devotionals says this…..

I have always been glad that the palmist said to God that certain times of life are desperate or difficult.  Make no mistake about it, there are difficult things in life.

This summer someone gave me some beautiful pink flowers, and as I took them, I asked, “What Kind are they?” My friend answered, “They are rock flowers.  They grow and bloom only on rocks where you can see no soil.”  Then I thought of God’s flowers growing in desperate times and hard places, and I somehow feel that he may have a certain tenderness for his “rock flowers” that he may not have for his lilies or roses. 

-Margaret Bottome

The trials of life are sent to make us, not break us.  Financial troubles may destroy a person’s business but build up his character.  And a direct blow to the outer person may be the greatest blessing possible to the inner person.  So if God places or allows anything difficult in our lives, we can be sure that the real danger or trouble will be what we will lose if we run or rebel against it.

-Maltbie D. Babcock

I don’t ever want to run or rebel from God’s tender touch.  I’m not going to candy coat my life.  I’m not prefect.  I have run.  I have rebelled.  I’m walking a difficult time.  Even 9 months after the wake of disaster I am still planted in a hard place.  My first instinct is to run, to hide, or just disappear, but I do not want to lose any chance of seeing God’s great glory work in my life.  Here on the rocks I will bloom like those rock flowers.  I will bloom into the beauty of healing. 

Who would have thought that the destruction of one marriage could bring healing to so many areas of our lives and our family.  Since I last posted God has began the work of healing with different family members of ours.  Relationships that I thought were impossible to heal are being healed before my very eyes!  And not just being healed but turning into something more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined! 

With all this being said, I am far from being perfect so please don’t think I’ve got this healing thing down.  There are days when I want to yell and scream at my husband “How could you do this to me”!  There are days I want to cry to my dad and scream “how could you go 9 months with out speaking to your daughter”!  Even though God has brought healing to many different family relationships, the one most important to me is still in ashes.  This has been something I haven’t openly talked about yet so here it goes. 

My dad and I used to be really close.  Even though we were close there were still parts of our relationship that were difficult and strained.  The hardest part of all this is that I wasn’t just betrayed by my husband, but I was also abandoned by my father.  The two most important men in my life left me.  The pain that that has inflicted on my life is hard to even put into words.  It makes you question who you are and if you’re really even good enough.  I’ll admit, it tore me apart.  It still makes me hurt all the way to the deep places of my heart.  Sometimes I lose my breath when I wake in the mornings realizing that my relationship with my dad is non-existent. 

There are times when I think how in the world could I ever forgive him for abandoning me?  The one person who’s supposed to love me for who I am.  After all, I am bone of his bone.  The one person who is supposed to always be there.  How do I even heal from that? 

After sharing some of this with my sister in law she said to me “You need to make Jesus your daddy”.  I have never thought of Jesus as my daddy up until this moment.  This was another moment that has change my life and brought healing.  It brought a whole new sweetness and tenderness to my relationship with the Lord.  I began to call him daddy.  He has filled that void for me.  Once again in my brokenness he is working endlessly to turn what the evil one meant for harm into something glorious.  He uses my heartache to draw me closer to him and to make my relationship with him even more solid.  He calls me daughter and I am his beloved.  He will never abandon me.  So now, I call my Lord……

daddy. 

I see myself on a rocky mountain.  I feel the son.  I feel his warmth.  I see his light.  I slowly stretch towards the sky as if reaching to grasp him.  As I reach I feel the hardness and sharp cuts from the rocks.  But the pain doesn’t stop me.  I press on.  In the dark I listen for his voice in the howl of the winds.  I’m desperate for his warm.  I’m desperate to reach Him.  I push on growing, reaching, stretching, wincing through the pain when finally, I break through.  A beautiful rock flower.  Blooming in the beauty of God’s glorious creation and basking in the son’s light through the hard rocks of life. 

I don’t have answers.  What I do know is this….  God’s got this!  He’s my answer.  God loves my husband and he loves my dad.  He is working even when I can’t see it. 

God has my life in his hands.  When I can’t trust the people in my life, I can trust my life to him.  Right now, he’s been teaching me to forgive even when forgiveness isn’t deserved.  He’s teaching me to show compassion to those that have wronged me.  This has been the hardest and most humbling lessons God has ever taught me.  There’s freedom in love.  There’s freedom in compassion.  There’s freedom in forgiveness.  I am learning to boldly walk out in Christ’s love to break the chains of bitterness that have enslaved me. 

A very dear friend of my shared his testimony with me recently after a work out at the gym.  He told me of his story and that how he had shared his story with a friend of his.  He was afraid that she would judge him for it.  That it could possibly ruin the potential relationship there, but instead she said “that doesn’t sound like you”.  Let that sink in for a minute.  Ponder those words…. 

That doesn’t sound like you.

His sin was not him.  It was something he had done but did.  It does not define who he is.  This really resonated with me.  I couldn’t get his story out of my head.  Then God showed me that I had taken what my husband had done and defined him by it.  I had placed that ugliness on him and viewed him as his sin.  I had forgotten who he was in Christ.  Shame on me!  I immediately was filled with guilt and shame.  God had gently showed me that I was judging him when it was not my place to.  My husband’s sin did not change who he was.  This was a pivotal moment for me.  It was at this point that I was able to let go.  To truly forgive him.  Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with the what if’s, but I am continuously working at trusting the future of my marriage in the hands of the one that holds the stars.

Next time you struggle with letting go of something you did, something someone says that you are, or just struggling with letting go of something someone did to you read these words in Jeremiah 1:5 and 1 Peter 2:9.

Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.  I appointed you as a prophet to all nations.

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him you called you out of darkness and into his wonderful light. 

Did you hear that?  You my friend, are chosen!  You are set apart!  God knows you!  You are God’s special possession.  I don’t know about you, but this makes me want to shout for joy that God see’s ME as his special possession!  Whatever you may be going through tonight, cling to what God thinks about you.  Reread this over and over if you have to.  Declare these truths over your life tonight and every night!

So for now…..  Be a rock flower and bloom right where you are at! 

“God finds his best solders on the mountains of affliction.”  -unknown

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Blessed In The Storm

It's been quite a long time since I've blogged.....  I'm not even for sure I can still organize a thought into a complete sentence now that my brain is fried like a scrambled egg on the sidewalk during a hot summer day by my three amazing, wild, crazy, lovable little monsters.  LOL!  A lot has happened.  For almost a year now I have debated blogging about these new storms.  Once again in the midst of heartache I have found God asking me to someday use my story to be an encouragement and a comfort to others.  I'll admit...  I have hesitated this time.  Only because these new storms bring more complications and possible back lash.  I am prepared and ready to stand and to take whatever back lash comes my way if it can help even one person that is walking the storm that I have been walking. That in itself is worth it all.   

After delivering our 3rd miracle baby in 2014 I thought we all would ride off into the sunset and live our happily ever after.  After all, infertility was no over.  I had the perfect marriage, perfect babies, my dream home, a perfect life....  Since then, I have graduated from being blessed by infertility to being blessed by the unrelenting storms that life has continuously blown my way. 

I had once thought that infertility would be the hardest battle I would ever face.  I thought that when it was finally over that it would be smooth sailing for the rest of my life.  Of course, there would be little hiccups here and there, but nothing like the heartache 10 years of trying to conceive brought.  When I think back on those days of charting cycles, doctor's apps for follicle ultrasounds, Clomid prescriptions, negative pregnancy tests, ultrasounds that showed no heartbeat, quiet lonely nights with just the two of us, I actually now miss those times.  Not because of the daily chaos that a life with three children brings, but because those times were so much more simpler than what they have been now.  At that time, it was Josh and I together against the world.  Through heartache our marriage was still full of joy and laughter.  It was us together fighting on our knees to grow our family.   

I'm sure you're thinking to yourself what could possibly be worse than infertility?  What could be so terrible and life altering that would cause me to miss those days of crying at the feet of Jesus for a child?  It is so so hard for me to even type this.  I've actually sat here for at least 20 mins trying to type out the words. 

Broken trust.  Humiliation.  Lies.  A broken heart.  Deep wounds.  Scars. 

A shattered marriage. 

You know....  When we said "I Do", I never thought it would happen to us.  We loved each other so deeply.  We were happy.  He was a pastor.  I was a deacons daughter.  We both had chosen to follow Jesus from an early age.  After 10 long years we finally had the family we had begged and pleaded God for.  We knew what God's Word said and took our promises made before God seriously.  I believed that because we survived infertility and the loss of our two babies that we could survive anything.  But you know what we couldn't survive?  We couldn't survive her. 

My marriage all but died the summer of 2016 and so did a huge piece of me.  I will never forget the day he called and said he wasn't coming home.  I'll never forget when one of his new buddies excitedly strode to my door with divorce papers in hand.  He had no shame that my children and piano students were right there. 

It is forever etched into the fibers of my brain.  My bones can still recall the physical pain of that season.  The sights, the smells, the noises of my children playing in the yard on a hot summer day.  The sweat dripping down the small of my back.  The sun blinding my eyes.  I can't even put into words what that pain feels like.  The closet thing I can describe it to is that it really does feel like a knife stabbing you right into the core of your heart and slicing deep to the bone all the way down to your gut.  Everything began to spin.  My mouth instantly went dry.  A deep cry from the depths of my inmost being clawed it's way up my throat and shot it's sound straight through the heavens and into the throne room of God.  If a spouse leaving could literally kill you that would have been the death of me right then and there. 

I know what you're thinking....  Did you see it coming?  No, I didn't.  We had our problems as every marriage has, but there was nothing majorly significant that was the straw that broke the camels back.  When I think back I can now see red flags that my naive self missed.  I can see the withdraw.  I can now see the lack of interest in our children and in our marriage.  I can now see the addiction to his cell phone.  I can now see the depth of the relationship he had with people who were not God honoring.  I can now see the canyon between him and God.  I can now see her.  Hind-sight is always 20/20.  I blame myself for not seeing it sooner.  I was so distracted by being a mother and trying to just make it through each day without falling asleep standing up.  I was stuck in the motions of feedings, diaper changes, potty training, kinder homework, church, praise team, teaching piano, trying to just get a shower in and just daily life that I didn't see her coming.  I don't even think he saw her coming until it was too late.

God reminds my heart of the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns.....

"It's a slow fade when you give yourself away,
black and white is turned to gray,
thoughts invade, choices made, a price will be paid when you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade."     

My husband had been fading for a while and I never saw it.  I do not blame myself for his actions.  His choices were made by him and him alone.  I blame myself for not being on the defense of my marriage. Most people would have turned their back on God in a situation like this.  I knew in that moment that God was all I had and that He would fight for me.  He would avenge me and my children.  In the middle of that pain I physically felt the breath of God breathing straight into my heart to keep me going minute by minute. 

I didn't have the strength to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home.  All I could muster up through my tears was that daddy was having to work longer.  For days they would look out the window right around 6 pm.  Even though they couldn't tell time, they always seemed to know exactly when daddy was supposed to be driving up our long dirt driveway.  It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life.  How do you even begin to tell your children that daddy isn't coming home?       

The Sunday after he left I forced myself to get out out of bed and get to church.  I just felt I had to get there.  It was like a life line waiting for me.  Walking into the building I felt like I was dragging my battered, broken, bleeding heart tied onto a rope into the church.  I know that God does not dwell in the actual building, but for some reason the Holy Spirit was whispering to me to just get there.  That day would be the first of several life altering amazing heavenly encounters I would experience.

I sat in the row our family and friends normally sit in.  My parents to my right and two of our good friends to my left.  Those that know me, know that God has gifted me with the gift of song.  I serve with my gifts on one of the worship teams.  Worship is my most favorite part of services.  It's when I feel most connected with God.  Music/worship is how God speaks to me.  As the worship service began I couldn't bring myself to stand or lift my hands.  I just sat there with my trembling hands in my lap as my dress was drenched in my tears. 

That's when I saw them.  I don't even know how to properly explain this.  I saw them not with my eyes, but with my heart.  The room was filled will hundreds of what looked like to be warrior type of angles.  They were huge.  They had swords.  There heads were bowed.  They flanked both my sides and my back.  I could feel their strength.  I could feel them praying over me.  I could feel that they were ready to do battle.  When God says He's for us, He literally means it!  It was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had.  The strength that God gave me that Sunday morning was the strength that would help get me through some of the most agonizing and torturous days I have ever faced. 

I wish I could say it got better from there with my husband, but it didn't.  Rumors began to fly.  Lies told.  Humiliation on social media and the depth of my husband's sin would continue to unfold right before my eyes.  I will not get into the details of my husband's sin.  There is no need for it and I would like to protect his dignity as much as possible.  I know in time, when he is ready, God will allow him to share his testimony.

That week God sent me an unexpected prayer warrior that would teach me how to do battle on my knees.  I grew up in a very strict, conservative, legalistic church.  I was never taught the power of praying in the name of Jesus.  I was never taught that I had the authority of Christ and that there was God given power in that.  I was taught to fear God.  I was taught to strive for perfection and that if there was tragedy in your life that you must have some un-confessed sin.  For the record...  God doesn't work that way.  Don't fall into that trap like I did. 

Remi.....  Remi you are forever a God send. 

Remi and I's children all had swim lessons at the same place and time.  We had seen each other at church, but had never really spoken much.  She knew my mom better than she knew me.  It had been a full week since Josh had left when I felt the Holy Spirit  whisper to my heart to tell Remi what was happening.  I didn't know her well at all and here God wanted me to tell her that my husband had left.  I was scared.  Embarrassed. 

When the kids ran off to the pool for their lessons I sat at Remi's table.  I looked at her and said "my husband has left me".  Tears....  Remi rushed in and held me tighter than anyone ever has before.  It was like God was using her to hold all the pieces of myself together.  That's when she began to pray in a way I had never heard before.  It gave me chills.  It was a n earth shaking, chain breaking, thunder of heaven type of praying.  It gave me strength.  It was the strongest prayer I had ever heard verbalized by any human being on this earth.  She prayed with words I had never heard prayed before. 

The next few days at the pool Remi taught me how to pray with authority in Jesus name.  That night after the kids were fast asleep I fell to my knees in the middle of the floor of my bedroom and began to pray in the authority of Jesus' name.  I felt God touch my heart.  The veil fell yet again and I saw with my heart again.  I saw his feet.  I knew He was there.  I could feel him.  He filled the room.  I curled up in a ball at his feet and let the tears flood out onto the floor.  In that moment I knew He would bring my husband back home.  I did't know how, but I knew He would.  That's when he asked me to show my husband grace and forgive him no matter what he had done. 

After 10 years of infertility, I was left with believing God moved slow.  I know He has his own timing and all.  I was prepared to wait a long time for him to bring Josh home.  Did you know that God answers our prayers before we even utter them?  God had began to answer the cry of my heart well in advance of me ever even asking. 

Did you know that when a spouse leaves you that the hardest part of the day is at night?  I hadn't slept for more than 2 hours at a time since Josh had left.  That night with Jesus sitting right next to me, I slept deep and long.  As I rested in the Lord, God moved in a way I had never seen him move before.  This was bigger than allowing us to conceive when we were told it was impossible.  Josh had a heart of stone.  He has completely captivated by her and with many of the worldly temptations a man can be tempted with.  You would think that it would take forever to pull him from the clutches of the evil one.  But....  It only took three days!  Three days.  Yes, you read that right.  Three days.  Isn't God awesome?!?!  Can I get an amen?!?!  Amen!  On the 3rd day, I texted Josh and asked him to meet me to talk.  He agreed!  For almost 2 weeks he refused to speak with me.  God touched his heart and began to soften it. 

When we met, God told me to ask him to please give us three months to try to work this out.  This was one of the hardest things God has ever asked me to do.  To forgive, show grace, and ask my husband to come home even after knowing the depth of his sin and even knowing that he still was not wholeheartedly sorry for what he had done.  At the end of our meeting he agreed he'd think about it.  Then he kissed me.  He kissed me!!!!  The rest of that day we spent texting and talking on the phone.  By the next morning he had agreed to come back home.  However, he had not agreed to un-file the divorce papers.  In all honesty, this made me sick to my stomach, but all I could do was trust the God would take care of that too. 

The following Sunday after coming home we both were in church TOGETHER!  Hallelujah!  Praise Jesus!  God was not done yet.  That morning, one of the pastor's preached on keeping your marriage commitments that were made before the Lord.  Do you all realize what God is doing here?  He works ALL THINGS for our good!!!  Even when we can't see it, He is forever working for our good.  On all the things he could have preached he preached about keep your marriage commitment!  WOW!  Praise you Lord!  When services ended Josh grabbed my hand and took off running.  I kept asking him "Where are we going"?  He wouldn't tell me.  Then he caught sight of Pastor Phil.  He grabbed him by the arm and said we need to talk to you in your office right now.  All three of us hurried off to his office.  I still had absolutely no clue as to what he was doing.   

There in Pastor Phil's office Josh broke down in tears.  He told Phil all that he had done and for the first time looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked me to forgive him.  He than asked Phil if he could be a witness to us signing the cancellation of the divorce papers which he had actually printed out the day before.  Get this.....  Those papers were right there in my purse.  I didn't put them there.  Josh didn't put them there....  I can't say it enough.  God you are absolutely amazing!  How can anyone say that God doesn't preform physical miracles in this day and age?  I have seen God continuously preform impossible miracles over and over in my life and I know He's still not done. 

I wish I could say I wholeheartedly forgave him in that instant that day.  A part of me did.  True forgiveness takes time.  Forgiveness is not a feeling.  It's a choice.  You have to choose to forgive someone daily until the feeling of true forgiveness comes.  I have had to forgive him each day over and over.  I also wish I could say our marriage was revived from the brink of death and we were now on the road to true healing and restoration.  We were...... For 8 wonderful months.

 On July 8th, exactly one year later to the day, he left.  Again.

I thought my marriage would be able to survive and be restored after this last storm.  In spring of this last year, the winds began to change and a new ferocious storm began to move in.  The clouds began to grow dark.  The waves began to toss and God opened my eyes to the hurricane that was about ready to slam into my world.   Yet again my marriage would not survive her.  This time a different her.  A her that was close to me.  Someone I trusted.  This time I saw it.  This time I tried to call him out on it.  I tried to stop it, but there was nothing I could do. 

With tears in my eyes, I looked up and said "Satan, you're going down"!!!!  That's when I prayed in Jesus name to expose my husband in his sin.  With in 15 mins God had exposed him.  Once again I found myself in a shattered mess.  How could this be happening a second time?  We were just in church on Sunday!  He had been serving in the areas God has gifted him in.  We both were involved with our life group.  How in the world was he able to declare God's truths and then live a second life that is contradictory to what God calls us to?  There were no answers. There still are no answers.

Once again rumors ran as the wind carries the embers of a raging fire creating more fires that still burn today.  My whole world began to burn down around me yet again....  God was there to pick me up.  To bandage my bleeding heart again.  To breath his God breathed strength into my lungs again.  No matter what the evil one throws at me I was and still am going to follow Christ.  I will NEVER back down!  I will never stop loving my Savior!!!  Satan was and still will get one hell of a fight out of me.

One of the most important things I have learned in this storm is exactly who I am in Christ.  Through out all of this mess there has been another woman God has sent to help me.  She is someone that I care deeply for.  She has been there each time to help me pick up the pieces.  She hasn't just been there for me, but she has also been there to help my husband pick up his pieces too.  No blame.  No judgement.  No shame.  Just love for both of us.  God has used this woman to help me see what He sees in me, to give me Godly wisdom, comfort, encouragement, and has been the one to gently tell me when I need to own up to my own mistakes.  God has used her to show me that in Christ I am a fierce mighty warrior.  Complete with a crown full of sparkling beautiful jewels, a shield, and sick looking sword!  Like, I'm talking viking type warrior gear!  Together her and I have been doing battle in this storm. This time I asked her to help me do the hardest thing in my life.  To let him go.   

This time I was not going to ask him to come back home.  I deserved someone who would put God first in his life.  I deserved someone who would be trustworthy.  My children deserved a father who would put them above all worldly temptations.  I began to ask God to help me still give my children a home that will be pleasing unto Him.  I asked him to shield my children from the worldly things that they would now be exposed to from the lifestyle that my husband had planed to live.  I began to pray for Him to someday send me a man that would love me unconditionally and that would love my children as his own.  The next day I began to prepare my life to live as a single mom.  I couldn't believe I was back in this storm again.   

After about a week, he finally texted wanting to see the kids.  As I read his words the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart to call him.  I figured it was just to make it easier to work out the details of him seeing the kids.  When he picked up his voice cracked and he started sobbing.  The crack of his voice shattered my heart all over again, but in a different way.  All I wanted to do was to reach through the phone and hold him.  I wanted to tell him it's going to be OK.  He then said he couldn't do this. 

That's when God asked me to forgive him again and welcome him with open arms.  I didn't want to.  I was so so very hurt.  I didn't know how I would ever forgive him and trust him again after this happening for a second time.  He asked me to meet him at the park.  I went even though my heart was conflicted and my parents were furious with me for even thinking of taking him back.  On the drive there God was working on my heart. 

When I saw the tears and remorse in his eyes I knew I needed to obey God and trust Him.  He looked more sorry this time than I had ever seen him look.  He had finally hit rock bottom.  He had made so much of mess of his life, our life, that he looked like he was going to fall apart.  That day I welcomed him back home with open arms. 

The path to restoration is not easy.  I am facing consequences for the choices he has made.  I am facing repercussions for choosing to do what God has asked of me.  Friendships have been lost.  Family has been lost.  People don't understand why I have chosen to work my marriage out.  In all honesty, I would rather loose these relationships than throw away a marriage that I know God will restore and heal.  I would rather follow God's plan for us than the plan others think best for me.

The storm has not ended.  It still rages.  Even though the waves threaten to swallow me whole I am keeping my eyes on Jesus.  He has called me out of the boat and into the waves and that is were I will stay.  My eyes focused on Him.  Here in the depths of sorrow He is deepening my faith and refining me into the person He wants me to be. 

It still deeply hurts.  I am not healed yet.  Our marriage is still being restored.  I am blessed that even in our mess together, as husband and wife, we are now dong battle on our knees.  No matter how dark it may seem God will have the glory in this.

I ask that you pray for us.  Pray that both of us will still willingly fight for the restoration of our marriage.  I ask you to pray that God will shield my husband's eyes, his heart, and his mind from all the schemes and temptations that the evil one will throw at him.  Pray that God will show me how to truly forgive my husband like He forgives us of our sins.  Pray that I will continuously show my husband grace.  Pray that God will use our testimony to bring comfort and encouragement to others.

Today, God has given Josh and I a new marriage.  Our old marriage is dead, but He has promised to restore what was lost and turn it into something more amazing than anything Josh and I could ever imagine.  That is were I put my faith and trust.

Wives...  The evil one hates your marriage.  He is out there to kill and destroy.  Your marriage is a battlefield.  Get on your knees right now and fight even if you think all is well.  Learn from my story.  It's time to warrior up!                    

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Forever Blessed By Infertility

On a beautiful warm fall day in October of 2004 I promised my life and my heart to a handsome young man that I just couldn't live with out. We both were so full of excitement and had the whole world just waiting before our feet. Our future was full of promise and many plans of what our life would be together. Plans of landing a great job, being a stay at home wife, a house in the country with a wrap around porch, and children! Lots of children screaming, covered in mud, chasing after their daddy! We both had dreamt of this all of our lives. Little did we know that in one short year after marriage our whole world would be flipped on its axis and we would start the hardest journey of our lives!




In the middle of our infertility battle; I had read a devotional book called "Longing For A Child". I highly recommend this book! One of the devotionals compared infertility to a race. It talked about how others would reach the finish line before me and not to be discouraged. To keep running towards the end. Even through all the disappointments and impossibilities I knew deep down inside that someday I would reach that finish line.



I thought about titling this post "The Finish Line", but for the last few months as I have been pondering on how I should write this post; I realized "The Finish Line" is inaccurate. There is no finish line. To say that there is would not do our story of God's plan the justice it deserves. This journey keeps going and going for the rest of our lives. It's always apart of us no matter if we achieve what we have been running for or not. I know this might be sounding like a downer, but there is a flip side to all this.



For 9 years now, I have dreamt of reaching that finish line. This whole time I have been thinking "If I could just make it there all my pain and suffering with infertility will be over." Well...... I am so honored and blessed beyond my own comprehension to announce that my husband and I are expecting our next child to make his or her debut on our 10 year wedding anniversary!!!! Praise God Almighty! I am currently 14 weeks and trying not to vomit as I right this.



This was the child we were told would NEVER happen! The one where our infertility doc on June 8th of 2007 told us was impossible! Yep, that's right! God allowed us to conceive ON OUR OWN!!!!! No donor! No procedures! No thousands of dollars! A pure miracle that was ONLY crafted by the hand of God! When I think back on the beginning of our journey, God knew in those painful moments that He was going to blesses us with the miracle of the adoption of Jonah, the miracle of Caleb's donor, and then the grand finale; the miracle of this baby conceived between the two of us! I still can't get over the fact that He knew! In my darkest hour, He knew! When I wanted to end my life after loosing my first child; He knew! Through out all the pain and anger He continuously poured His love on our lives and daily worked on us to prepare us for our children that He would one day bless us with. It gives me chills and thrills me that He knew all along! His plans were never to harm me. Only to prepare me to receive! What a joy! What an honor!



Now that we have achieved all that we so longed for I have learned that it's still not over. It will never be over. This is our calling. God did not allow us to go through this journey only to be done with it once we achieved our family. I know now that in the midst of infertility I am right where God wants me to be. I will be here to help shine a light on God's mercies and His endless possibilities! I will be here to pray, to love, to cry, to laugh, and to just be for all you that are still hurting. I know it hurts. I know that it seems as if there is no end in sight. I know that at times you just want to give up. But DON'T! DO NOT EVER GIVE UP! Trust God, wait for Him (I know the waiting is incredibly hard), watch and see what He does. It will blow your mind! I can't tell you that God will bless you with children, but what I can promise you is that no matter what the outcome is it will be better than anything you have ever imagined.



Today I find myself in a safe place to heal. With the help of my husband, my children, my close family and friends, and my new church family, I am finally in a place to accept that it will always be my story and that I can now truly let it go. I'm letting go of all the hurtful things said, the death of my babies, the worry, the uncertainties, and of what could have been. From now on, I am here to carry out God's plan for my infertility journey. I pray He uses me to encourage, to love, and to inspire. I pray He uses my children to show the world that with Him nothing is ever impossible!



I cannot stress enough that His plan is always so much better than any plan we have for ourselves! God blessed us with the gift of infertility. I call it a gift because it truly is. To deny that would be to deny my children as gifts. We have been called to infertility. Its fingerprints are all over our lives, the lives of our children, and the lives of our friends and family that it has touched. We will forever be blessed by infertility.

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Split In Two

I have never felt so many conflicting emotions ever like I have felt for the past month. So many different types or emotions, but yet all just as strong as the other. I was blessed with the amazing blessing of being able to be at the hospital when my best friend delivered her baby last week. This is something I never thought I'd be able to do. I have a lot of anxiety with the maternity ward even after birthing a baby. The first time I went into a maternity ward while battling infertility was when my niece was born and for the adoption of my son. When my niece was born, we entered the maternity ward and I saw a line of hospital baby bassinets to my right up against the wall. Just seeing them sent me into an emotional tail spin. Just knowing that not a single one of those bassinets were for me tore me to shreds. My baby was gone. All I was left with was thoughts of what could have been. I was supposed to deliver a month earlier before my sister in law. Immediately the tears began to spill down my checks. My hands began to shake and I began to feel like I was being suffocated. I stopped right there in my tracks. There was no way I could make it to my sister in law's room. For 45 mins I cried silently into my husband's shoulder trying to compose myself enough to see my niece. Once I felt like I was semi ready we walked with heavy shattered hearts the rest of the way to her room. I wish I could say that I was able to keep it together once we entered. I wish I could say I was over joyous. For the infertile, it doesn't work that way. My brother and sister in law were so compassionate and so gracious. I will never forget their kindness that day. They both surrounded Josh and I with so much love and support as we held our niece. In that moment tears silently spilled down my checks as I held baby Lauryn in my arms. She was so beautiful and smelt so good! Even though that experience was painful it still was such a blessing to hold such a precious gift.




Over the next few years I did what ever I could to protect my heart. I didn't go to baby showers or visit friends and family at the hospital after delivering a baby. I knew some would not be happy with me if I went and couldn't hold it together. I also didn't want to spend the next week or so pulling myself together. For me it was more than just the inability to get pregnant. It was also because I had lost two babies. When you loose a baby, at no matter what stage, there are certain triggers that can bring on panic attacks and anxiety. My losses were really traumatic especially after waiting so many years for it to finally happen only for it to end the way it did. I have spent the last 9 years trying to over come my nightmares, anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I don't believe in medicating for these issues. I tried that. it didn't work. I have spent the last few years working with God to over come this. I am happy to say that so far I have come a very long way. I still have my moments, but over all God's got this.



Weeks leading up to my best friends delivery I felt a ton of anxiety, but at the same time felt so much joy and excitement for her. It was like half of me was falling apart, but the other half hadn't been touched by pain and was ready to jump out of her skin with excitement. I had been split in two by two very strong emotions. But, how in the world was I going to over come the other half that kept me from fully experiencing this joyous moment? I so desperately wanted to experience this with her 110% with out all this baggage I had picked up. For her all this came so easily. For me, it's still full of uncertainty, planed sex, counting cycles, ovulation kits, failed cycles, and what ifs. I found myself begging God to just take away all the pain and hurt just for one day so I could experience this with her in its entirety. I wanted to be like Cinderella at the ball. Getting to be a princess for just one night or in my case a normal best friend delighting in her friend's joy. I wish I could say it worked that way. It didn't. I'm not Cinderella. I am what God has made me to be; scares and all. My pain makes this experience so much more special. It's not just another birth. It's a miracle! A precious life formed by the hands of God and not to take lightly! When something is withheld from you, you're more aware of how special it is and you appreciate it so much more. If I had gotten my wish, I would not have clung onto Jesus with a death grip that day. Our pain is what makes us stronger and causes us to rely on Him more. The only way I was going to make it through was placing my brokenness in His hands. His presence that day was the strongest I had felt since my first loss. I knew He was there. I could feel Him. I could hear Him whisper to my heart. As soon as I stepped one foot into that maternity ward I felt as if something had picked me up. His strong hands that hold our universe into place was holding all the shattered pieces of my heart together that day so I could be there for my friend. Holding her precious baby was such a blessing and joyous moment for me. Even more so was that despite my scares and brokenness my best friend still loves me just the way I am. Thank you Jesica for loving me despite my brokenness and for blessing me with this amazing experience. Your friendship means so much to me. For you, I would brave the maternity ward a 100 times over! LOL! May God bless you, your hubby, the kiddos, and baby Lillie more than you ever imagined!

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Roller Coaster

Up, down, all around, front, backwards, side to side, hang on to your lunch because it's a bumpy ride! Most times I brace for impact, but this time I think I'll just throw my hands in the air and scream!




I'm a huge roller coaster fan! I love the thrill! When I jump into the car I quickly tie the straps of my purse to my leg several times and secure any of my loose possessions so I don't loose anything on the ride. I begin to shake with fear and excitement. The bell rings and the roller coaster begins its click, click, click ascend to the top of the track. I find my self gripping the rails to brace myself for what's to come. My heart drops into my throat and my stomach tightens in knots. As I watch the cars in front of me disappear over the edge I decide to let loose, throw my hands in the air, and scream at the top of my lungs as I pretend to sore threw the air like a bird!



As we all know, roller coasters have highs, lows, drops, twists, and turns. Sometimes their exhilarating and then sometimes their scary. Sometimes we exit the ride realizing we lost something of ours and praying never to ride it again; but then other times we're so pumped with adrenaline we want to do it again. I often times compare our infertility journey to a roller coaster. I've been pumped with hope at times along the way while other times I have lost pieces of myself.



Over a 9 year period we have been told numerous conflicting information in regards to our fertility. First we were told my husband would never be able to have kids and that our only options were adoption and IUI with donor sperm. Then we were told only IVF would work. Then we were told my husband could get me pregnant naturally if he took Brovell shots (that never worked). It was hard seeing my husband shot himself up with hormones into his stomach. Next it was IUI with donor sperm. Seven rounds of that and two failed pregnancies left us shattered and defeated. At that point, we walked away from infertility and adopted. Which was another roller coaster ride in itself, but that's another post entirely. After a two year hiatus, we returned to the dreaded fertility doc (he actually is really awesome. We just would prefer to see him under different circumstances), only to find out that it still wasn't going to be possible. After our failed attempts with IUI using donor sperm from a sperm bank we then heard of fresh private sperm donors. This did the trick! The summer after I gave birth to our youngest son we decided to try our hand at it again since I was now into my 30's. After all I'm not getting any younger. Are you exhausted yet from all of this? I am! I'm exhausted from typing this out and living it! Well, unfortunately this last summer our donor told us that he was no longer donating. I can't even begin to describe to you how upset I was. All I wanted was one more! How could this happen when I was nearing the end of my fertility roller coaster? Or at least I thought.



That huge blow landed us back in our infertility doctor's office AGAIN! Now, it was back to more meds, more blood work, more lab tests! After getting the results my husband was told he should not have any problems getting me pregnant naturally. We spent the next 4 months trying like mad. And guess what...... nothing happened. I know they say to give it time and that it takes any normal couple up to a year to conceive, but I knew something was wrong. Back to the doctor we went. Come to find out our doctor never told Josh we could get pregnant on our own. He misunderstood. Our doctor meant that he would have no problems getting me pregnant with IUI or IVF. I was furious! How in the world did he misunderstand that! After a lot of tears and two weeks of hell, I decided to forgive my husband for his little misunderstanding. Are you frustrated yet? Are the ups and downs driving you crazy? I went crazy from this a long time ago. Well, onto the next and hopefully final twist. My husband had some more testing done with some new meds he's been taking. Our doctor called and left a long message for us both so that way there wouldn't be anymore misunderstandings and even gave his personal cell phone number for me to call if I wanted to drill him about the results. Basically he said, I'm paraphrasing or course, that the clomid was working for Josh. All areas of his testing were NORMAL! Some were even above normal! He said IVF would be a waist of money and not to do it. He recommendations for us were to start trying all over like nothing had happened. The next call he wanted from us was to tell him that I am pregnant. We've known this for a few days now. I'm still in disbelief. I've been waiting for the "but" part. Josh keeps asking me why I'm not excited and all I can say is that I have had so much devastation with all this that I am guarded. I am cautiously excited. I will wait and see what happens before I allow myself to be over joyous. This is not me doubting God's healing. I know God can do anything He wants to. I've guarding my heart and yes there may be some doubt there. After all I'm not perfect. I'm just trying to hang on to what little hope I have left from this ride.



I want this so bad for my husband. I know that he needs this. I pray that these results are true. I pray that they are from God. I am grateful and thankful for God's healing.



Stay tuned for the next twist(hopefully a happy pregnancy twist)!

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Acceptance

The inability to conceive naturally combined with the ups and downs of infertility for years on end is like being continuously suffocated and drowned over and over all at the same time. I have been so deeply wounded by infertility that even if we resolve it someday, I don't know that I will ever live a life with out the pain of this again. It has become so ingrained into the very core of who I have become. It is always the massive elephant in the room at family gatherings, baby showers, birthday parties, and what not. It is the one thing that is always throne in my face or used against me by those that despise me. I've always thought that if I adopted or finally birthed a child that I would be miraculously healed of this devastation that has plagued my life. I will be the first to tell you. Adoption and birth is not a cure all for infertility. Yes, it makes it easier. But when you have been in the midst of this for years on end with so much disappointment, it will traumatize you. It doesn't just go away when it's supposedly over. I am now realizing that I will have to accept that even after I have ended my fight to have babies, that infertility will still be there. It will be a struggle that I will have to work on overcoming for the rest of my life. I am going to have to continuously work on healing my wounds. I know that God is Ralpha. He is my Healer. But healing takes time and work. It wont be gone over night. I accept that.




Over the last two weeks I have been experiencing a lot of flash backs and dreams of when I lost my first baby. You see, a friend of mine has been going through some hardships in her pregnancy and may loose her precious baby. Some of the aspects of this situation are very similar to what my husband and I experienced. I can feel her grief like it is my own. I see the pain in her eyes and I know that pain all too well. It's a pain that I still struggle with today. It's been awhile since I talked about my first baby. I try not to talk too much about it because sometimes the grief can become too great and swallow me hole. On January 30th it will have been 5 years since he entered Jesus' arms. When I look at my youngest son, Caleb, I wonder what he would have looked like. Would he have had Caleb's eyes? His smile? His laugh? Does he know that he has two brothers here on earth? Does he know that not a day goes by that his mommy doesn't think of him? Sometimes I picture myself entering Heaven hand in hand with Jesus and having my two babies run to meet me. My lost son picks me up in his arms and twills me around in a huge bear hug as my 2nd lost baby laughs and giggles. Even though that picture is just a dream right now, I know that someday it will become my reality. Having two children in Heaven makes Heaven so much more sweeter! Before the loss of my two babies, I didn't really understand the whole "glad reunion day" thing. Yeah, I had lost great grandparents and such that I loved dearly and missed greatly. But once you loose a child, Heaven becomes so much more real to you. It's the only hope you have to cling to in those painful moments of missing your child. Everyday I look forward to that one special day when my whole family is reunited with our earthly children and our Heavenly children.



For now, I am broken and unsure of what the future will hold. I keep trying to piece back together the pieces of a shattered dream of a happy go lucky 5 year old red headed little girl that only dreamt of getting married and having a large family. For 9 years those pieces have not been fitting back together. I know God has His best for me. He has given me an amazing husband and two amazing children. Yes, it's been a fight and a struggle and it looks like He wants me to continue to fight for this next child. Deep down I know that God will someday bless us with another child. I think He's allowing this all to happen because He wants me to let go of my dream and accept the new dream He has for my family building. From where I sit this dream He has is hard. It's full of tears. It's doesn't seem fair. It hurts! But I know and must keep reminding myself that I am clay in the potter's hands and He is molding me into His best.

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I haven't bloged about infertility in a while because going through this for the 3rd time in 9 years has pretty much brought me to a lonely place. I've been keeping it in because for some reason, even after birthing a child, it's seems so much more painful this time. I don't understand why. Maybe it's because I got a taste of it.




I've never quite fit in anywhere. Each time I went through infertility there was always something that would separate me from those who were infertile and those who are "normal". I never knew which support group to join because I don't have PCOS, bad eggs, abnormal periods, I'm not overweight, or have any other womanly infertility problems. I am like clock work! My cycles/ovulation is on the dot every month! Docs say I'm fertile and my Grandma Deckert says I've got birthing hips! I have a sperm problem. Where's a support group for wives who's husband's have a sperm problem. I still have not met anyone out there like that. Why is it so hard to get good healthy sperm? I don't understand! Why do they make it so expensive? It's not like women who already have a predestined amount of eggs the produce. You don't have to do invasive procedures to harvest sperm! Guys out there can produce as much of it as they want! All I need is healthy sperm! I totally feel like banging my head up against the wall right now..... Sorry to gross anyone out. This is infertility we're talking about here and we all know how babies are made. It's not some huge classified secrete.



If another person tells me, "Oh just relax, it will happen", I'm going to scream! I have a sperm problem! Not a relaxing and let your body do the work problem! That statement does not apply to me.



I have never fit in with the normal infertiles because the first time facing this journey the problem wasn't with me. It was my husband. But I still didn't fit in with the normal people having babies because my husband was infertile. I was and am to this day completely fertile. The 2nd time we went through it, I was the mother of to lost babies and an adoptive mother. Still a mother, but then had still never birthed a baby and yet still not infertile and still not normal. The 3rd time around I am the mother of two lost babies, an adoptive mother, and a mother of one birth child. Now, I completely don't fit in anywhere because I have birthed, adopted, and lost. I am seen as ungrateful because I still desire more children when I already have two. I don't really know how to communicate my feelings right now. I am confused and heartbroken. I'm trying to hide my grief so my boys don't see it and so that I don't get ridiculed to death by those who have never been through this. I'm grieved at the possibility of never having another baby even though I am completely fertile and yet riddled with guilt for wanting more when I have two already. I hurt for my husband who thinks he has failed his wife and for the embarrassment that he faces with being infertile. I wish I could take it away for him. I wish I could heal him. I know that God is the great physician and that miracles do happen, but He has decided to not heal my husband. I do not have a lack of faith. This is the reality of our path that God is wanting us to accept.



All I can say is don't ever judge me if you yourself have not been through a spouse being infertile, adopting a child, loosing two children, birthing one, and still having a God given desire to have more! I am not ungrateful nor am I not happy for those that are blessed with the gift of pregnancy. I am happy for those that get pregnant, but it is still hard for me. How would you feel if your choice of having a child was taken from you and you had to sit back and watch others easily get what you longed for? How would you feel if you lost two babies? Since when is desiring more children being ungrateful? God commands us to be fruitful and multiply. But I guess the rules are different for me because I already have two and still have issues having more?! Let me try to understand this.... So as some are telling me... Normal people who don't have issues getting pregnant can have as many children as they desire and that's not considered being ungrateful. BUT, those that have issues with getting pregnant are considered ungrateful when they desire more children after already having some? What the heck?! Yeah, that totally sounds fair.....



Here's some advise to those that have never been through this. Don't ever call someone going through secondary infertility as ungrateful for what they have. Don't talk about how you had 3 kids, didn't want anymore, and then God just gave you another 2 more. Don't talk about how you tried for 4 or 5 months and then finally got pregnant. Really? Come on now! Talk to me after it's been a few years and you've been diagnosed with some type of devastating fertility issue. That has nothing to do with infertility. Don't ever tell them to keep it to themselves and suffer in silence. Would you tell someone who has cancer, depression, or is suicidal to suffer in silence? Infertility is a disease. People going through this need to talk if that's what they desire to do. It helps them process, heal, and accept. They do not do this for attention. Believe me talking about infertility is not a way I want to get attention. I would rather talk about more pleasant things than this. But this is the path God has put my feet on and He has laid it upon my heart to help bring awareness to this heartbreaking issue. Lastly, don't give advise and don't ever tell them to just relax or adopt you'll get pregnant. That may have worked for some, but it doesn't work for everyone. I adopted. I never got pregnant naturally. What I can say to those who have never been through infertility is this; be supportive, caring, loving, empathetic, compassionate, listen, be a shoulder to cry on, be a prayer warrior and pray, pray, PRAY!!!! Sometimes I just need someone to help smother my head in a pillow as I scream at the top of my lungs or to just be held tight while I cry my eyes out.



Sorry, If I'm coming across as angry and bitter. It's like experiencing a death every time your given bad news in regards to infertility. This has taken up 9 years of my life and I'm honestly getting exhausted from it. Yes, there have been wonderful blessings that have come out of it, but it has also been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have been given two babies that are safe in the arms of the Lord. I have been touched and blessed by adoption. And I have been given the gift of one healthy pregnancy. I have two wonderful amazing children that I thank God for every day. But I also have huge scares from the loss of my two babies and 9 years of heartache caused by infertility. I hope and pray that some day I will not feel the twinge of pain when I see a pregnant women, get a baby shower invite, or hold someone's newborn baby. I pray that some day God will place our final desire in my womb and remove the heartache from my heart for the rest of my life.

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