Forever Blessed By Infertility
On a beautiful warm fall day in October of 2004 I promised my life and my heart to a handsome young man that I just couldn't live with out. We both were so full of excitement and had the whole world just waiting before our feet. Our future was full of promise and many plans of what our life would be together. Plans of landing a great job, being a stay at home wife, a house in the country with a wrap around porch, and children! Lots of children screaming, covered in mud, chasing after their daddy! We both had dreamt of this all of our lives. Little did we know that in one short year after marriage our whole world would be flipped on its axis and we would start the hardest journey of our lives!
In the middle of our infertility battle; I had read a devotional book called "Longing For A Child". I highly recommend this book! One of the devotionals compared infertility to a race. It talked about how others would reach the finish line before me and not to be discouraged. To keep running towards the end. Even through all the disappointments and impossibilities I knew deep down inside that someday I would reach that finish line.
I thought about titling this post "The Finish Line", but for the last few months as I have been pondering on how I should write this post; I realized "The Finish Line" is inaccurate. There is no finish line. To say that there is would not do our story of God's plan the justice it deserves. This journey keeps going and going for the rest of our lives. It's always apart of us no matter if we achieve what we have been running for or not. I know this might be sounding like a downer, but there is a flip side to all this.
For 9 years now, I have dreamt of reaching that finish line. This whole time I have been thinking "If I could just make it there all my pain and suffering with infertility will be over." Well...... I am so honored and blessed beyond my own comprehension to announce that my husband and I are expecting our next child to make his or her debut on our 10 year wedding anniversary!!!! Praise God Almighty! I am currently 14 weeks and trying not to vomit as I right this.
This was the child we were told would NEVER happen! The one where our infertility doc on June 8th of 2007 told us was impossible! Yep, that's right! God allowed us to conceive ON OUR OWN!!!!! No donor! No procedures! No thousands of dollars! A pure miracle that was ONLY crafted by the hand of God! When I think back on the beginning of our journey, God knew in those painful moments that He was going to blesses us with the miracle of the adoption of Jonah, the miracle of Caleb's donor, and then the grand finale; the miracle of this baby conceived between the two of us! I still can't get over the fact that He knew! In my darkest hour, He knew! When I wanted to end my life after loosing my first child; He knew! Through out all the pain and anger He continuously poured His love on our lives and daily worked on us to prepare us for our children that He would one day bless us with. It gives me chills and thrills me that He knew all along! His plans were never to harm me. Only to prepare me to receive! What a joy! What an honor!
Now that we have achieved all that we so longed for I have learned that it's still not over. It will never be over. This is our calling. God did not allow us to go through this journey only to be done with it once we achieved our family. I know now that in the midst of infertility I am right where God wants me to be. I will be here to help shine a light on God's mercies and His endless possibilities! I will be here to pray, to love, to cry, to laugh, and to just be for all you that are still hurting. I know it hurts. I know that it seems as if there is no end in sight. I know that at times you just want to give up. But DON'T! DO NOT EVER GIVE UP! Trust God, wait for Him (I know the waiting is incredibly hard), watch and see what He does. It will blow your mind! I can't tell you that God will bless you with children, but what I can promise you is that no matter what the outcome is it will be better than anything you have ever imagined.
Today I find myself in a safe place to heal. With the help of my husband, my children, my close family and friends, and my new church family, I am finally in a place to accept that it will always be my story and that I can now truly let it go. I'm letting go of all the hurtful things said, the death of my babies, the worry, the uncertainties, and of what could have been. From now on, I am here to carry out God's plan for my infertility journey. I pray He uses me to encourage, to love, and to inspire. I pray He uses my children to show the world that with Him nothing is ever impossible!
I cannot stress enough that His plan is always so much better than any plan we have for ourselves! God blessed us with the gift of infertility. I call it a gift because it truly is. To deny that would be to deny my children as gifts. We have been called to infertility. Its fingerprints are all over our lives, the lives of our children, and the lives of our friends and family that it has touched. We will forever be blessed by infertility.
In the middle of our infertility battle; I had read a devotional book called "Longing For A Child". I highly recommend this book! One of the devotionals compared infertility to a race. It talked about how others would reach the finish line before me and not to be discouraged. To keep running towards the end. Even through all the disappointments and impossibilities I knew deep down inside that someday I would reach that finish line.
I thought about titling this post "The Finish Line", but for the last few months as I have been pondering on how I should write this post; I realized "The Finish Line" is inaccurate. There is no finish line. To say that there is would not do our story of God's plan the justice it deserves. This journey keeps going and going for the rest of our lives. It's always apart of us no matter if we achieve what we have been running for or not. I know this might be sounding like a downer, but there is a flip side to all this.
For 9 years now, I have dreamt of reaching that finish line. This whole time I have been thinking "If I could just make it there all my pain and suffering with infertility will be over." Well...... I am so honored and blessed beyond my own comprehension to announce that my husband and I are expecting our next child to make his or her debut on our 10 year wedding anniversary!!!! Praise God Almighty! I am currently 14 weeks and trying not to vomit as I right this.
This was the child we were told would NEVER happen! The one where our infertility doc on June 8th of 2007 told us was impossible! Yep, that's right! God allowed us to conceive ON OUR OWN!!!!! No donor! No procedures! No thousands of dollars! A pure miracle that was ONLY crafted by the hand of God! When I think back on the beginning of our journey, God knew in those painful moments that He was going to blesses us with the miracle of the adoption of Jonah, the miracle of Caleb's donor, and then the grand finale; the miracle of this baby conceived between the two of us! I still can't get over the fact that He knew! In my darkest hour, He knew! When I wanted to end my life after loosing my first child; He knew! Through out all the pain and anger He continuously poured His love on our lives and daily worked on us to prepare us for our children that He would one day bless us with. It gives me chills and thrills me that He knew all along! His plans were never to harm me. Only to prepare me to receive! What a joy! What an honor!
Now that we have achieved all that we so longed for I have learned that it's still not over. It will never be over. This is our calling. God did not allow us to go through this journey only to be done with it once we achieved our family. I know now that in the midst of infertility I am right where God wants me to be. I will be here to help shine a light on God's mercies and His endless possibilities! I will be here to pray, to love, to cry, to laugh, and to just be for all you that are still hurting. I know it hurts. I know that it seems as if there is no end in sight. I know that at times you just want to give up. But DON'T! DO NOT EVER GIVE UP! Trust God, wait for Him (I know the waiting is incredibly hard), watch and see what He does. It will blow your mind! I can't tell you that God will bless you with children, but what I can promise you is that no matter what the outcome is it will be better than anything you have ever imagined.
Today I find myself in a safe place to heal. With the help of my husband, my children, my close family and friends, and my new church family, I am finally in a place to accept that it will always be my story and that I can now truly let it go. I'm letting go of all the hurtful things said, the death of my babies, the worry, the uncertainties, and of what could have been. From now on, I am here to carry out God's plan for my infertility journey. I pray He uses me to encourage, to love, and to inspire. I pray He uses my children to show the world that with Him nothing is ever impossible!
I cannot stress enough that His plan is always so much better than any plan we have for ourselves! God blessed us with the gift of infertility. I call it a gift because it truly is. To deny that would be to deny my children as gifts. We have been called to infertility. Its fingerprints are all over our lives, the lives of our children, and the lives of our friends and family that it has touched. We will forever be blessed by infertility.
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