Split In Two
I have never felt so many conflicting emotions ever like I have felt for the past month. So many different types or emotions, but yet all just as strong as the other. I was blessed with the amazing blessing of being able to be at the hospital when my best friend delivered her baby last week. This is something I never thought I'd be able to do. I have a lot of anxiety with the maternity ward even after birthing a baby. The first time I went into a maternity ward while battling infertility was when my niece was born and for the adoption of my son. When my niece was born, we entered the maternity ward and I saw a line of hospital baby bassinets to my right up against the wall. Just seeing them sent me into an emotional tail spin. Just knowing that not a single one of those bassinets were for me tore me to shreds. My baby was gone. All I was left with was thoughts of what could have been. I was supposed to deliver a month earlier before my sister in law. Immediately the tears began to spill down my checks. My hands began to shake and I began to feel like I was being suffocated. I stopped right there in my tracks. There was no way I could make it to my sister in law's room. For 45 mins I cried silently into my husband's shoulder trying to compose myself enough to see my niece. Once I felt like I was semi ready we walked with heavy shattered hearts the rest of the way to her room. I wish I could say that I was able to keep it together once we entered. I wish I could say I was over joyous. For the infertile, it doesn't work that way. My brother and sister in law were so compassionate and so gracious. I will never forget their kindness that day. They both surrounded Josh and I with so much love and support as we held our niece. In that moment tears silently spilled down my checks as I held baby Lauryn in my arms. She was so beautiful and smelt so good! Even though that experience was painful it still was such a blessing to hold such a precious gift.
Over the next few years I did what ever I could to protect my heart. I didn't go to baby showers or visit friends and family at the hospital after delivering a baby. I knew some would not be happy with me if I went and couldn't hold it together. I also didn't want to spend the next week or so pulling myself together. For me it was more than just the inability to get pregnant. It was also because I had lost two babies. When you loose a baby, at no matter what stage, there are certain triggers that can bring on panic attacks and anxiety. My losses were really traumatic especially after waiting so many years for it to finally happen only for it to end the way it did. I have spent the last 9 years trying to over come my nightmares, anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I don't believe in medicating for these issues. I tried that. it didn't work. I have spent the last few years working with God to over come this. I am happy to say that so far I have come a very long way. I still have my moments, but over all God's got this.
Weeks leading up to my best friends delivery I felt a ton of anxiety, but at the same time felt so much joy and excitement for her. It was like half of me was falling apart, but the other half hadn't been touched by pain and was ready to jump out of her skin with excitement. I had been split in two by two very strong emotions. But, how in the world was I going to over come the other half that kept me from fully experiencing this joyous moment? I so desperately wanted to experience this with her 110% with out all this baggage I had picked up. For her all this came so easily. For me, it's still full of uncertainty, planed sex, counting cycles, ovulation kits, failed cycles, and what ifs. I found myself begging God to just take away all the pain and hurt just for one day so I could experience this with her in its entirety. I wanted to be like Cinderella at the ball. Getting to be a princess for just one night or in my case a normal best friend delighting in her friend's joy. I wish I could say it worked that way. It didn't. I'm not Cinderella. I am what God has made me to be; scares and all. My pain makes this experience so much more special. It's not just another birth. It's a miracle! A precious life formed by the hands of God and not to take lightly! When something is withheld from you, you're more aware of how special it is and you appreciate it so much more. If I had gotten my wish, I would not have clung onto Jesus with a death grip that day. Our pain is what makes us stronger and causes us to rely on Him more. The only way I was going to make it through was placing my brokenness in His hands. His presence that day was the strongest I had felt since my first loss. I knew He was there. I could feel Him. I could hear Him whisper to my heart. As soon as I stepped one foot into that maternity ward I felt as if something had picked me up. His strong hands that hold our universe into place was holding all the shattered pieces of my heart together that day so I could be there for my friend. Holding her precious baby was such a blessing and joyous moment for me. Even more so was that despite my scares and brokenness my best friend still loves me just the way I am. Thank you Jesica for loving me despite my brokenness and for blessing me with this amazing experience. Your friendship means so much to me. For you, I would brave the maternity ward a 100 times over! LOL! May God bless you, your hubby, the kiddos, and baby Lillie more than you ever imagined!
Over the next few years I did what ever I could to protect my heart. I didn't go to baby showers or visit friends and family at the hospital after delivering a baby. I knew some would not be happy with me if I went and couldn't hold it together. I also didn't want to spend the next week or so pulling myself together. For me it was more than just the inability to get pregnant. It was also because I had lost two babies. When you loose a baby, at no matter what stage, there are certain triggers that can bring on panic attacks and anxiety. My losses were really traumatic especially after waiting so many years for it to finally happen only for it to end the way it did. I have spent the last 9 years trying to over come my nightmares, anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I don't believe in medicating for these issues. I tried that. it didn't work. I have spent the last few years working with God to over come this. I am happy to say that so far I have come a very long way. I still have my moments, but over all God's got this.
Weeks leading up to my best friends delivery I felt a ton of anxiety, but at the same time felt so much joy and excitement for her. It was like half of me was falling apart, but the other half hadn't been touched by pain and was ready to jump out of her skin with excitement. I had been split in two by two very strong emotions. But, how in the world was I going to over come the other half that kept me from fully experiencing this joyous moment? I so desperately wanted to experience this with her 110% with out all this baggage I had picked up. For her all this came so easily. For me, it's still full of uncertainty, planed sex, counting cycles, ovulation kits, failed cycles, and what ifs. I found myself begging God to just take away all the pain and hurt just for one day so I could experience this with her in its entirety. I wanted to be like Cinderella at the ball. Getting to be a princess for just one night or in my case a normal best friend delighting in her friend's joy. I wish I could say it worked that way. It didn't. I'm not Cinderella. I am what God has made me to be; scares and all. My pain makes this experience so much more special. It's not just another birth. It's a miracle! A precious life formed by the hands of God and not to take lightly! When something is withheld from you, you're more aware of how special it is and you appreciate it so much more. If I had gotten my wish, I would not have clung onto Jesus with a death grip that day. Our pain is what makes us stronger and causes us to rely on Him more. The only way I was going to make it through was placing my brokenness in His hands. His presence that day was the strongest I had felt since my first loss. I knew He was there. I could feel Him. I could hear Him whisper to my heart. As soon as I stepped one foot into that maternity ward I felt as if something had picked me up. His strong hands that hold our universe into place was holding all the shattered pieces of my heart together that day so I could be there for my friend. Holding her precious baby was such a blessing and joyous moment for me. Even more so was that despite my scares and brokenness my best friend still loves me just the way I am. Thank you Jesica for loving me despite my brokenness and for blessing me with this amazing experience. Your friendship means so much to me. For you, I would brave the maternity ward a 100 times over! LOL! May God bless you, your hubby, the kiddos, and baby Lillie more than you ever imagined!
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