I haven't bloged about infertility in a while because going through this for the 3rd time in 9 years has pretty much brought me to a lonely place. I've been keeping it in because for some reason, even after birthing a child, it's seems so much more painful this time. I don't understand why. Maybe it's because I got a taste of it.
I've never quite fit in anywhere. Each time I went through infertility there was always something that would separate me from those who were infertile and those who are "normal". I never knew which support group to join because I don't have PCOS, bad eggs, abnormal periods, I'm not overweight, or have any other womanly infertility problems. I am like clock work! My cycles/ovulation is on the dot every month! Docs say I'm fertile and my Grandma Deckert says I've got birthing hips! I have a sperm problem. Where's a support group for wives who's husband's have a sperm problem. I still have not met anyone out there like that. Why is it so hard to get good healthy sperm? I don't understand! Why do they make it so expensive? It's not like women who already have a predestined amount of eggs the produce. You don't have to do invasive procedures to harvest sperm! Guys out there can produce as much of it as they want! All I need is healthy sperm! I totally feel like banging my head up against the wall right now..... Sorry to gross anyone out. This is infertility we're talking about here and we all know how babies are made. It's not some huge classified secrete.
If another person tells me, "Oh just relax, it will happen", I'm going to scream! I have a sperm problem! Not a relaxing and let your body do the work problem! That statement does not apply to me.
I have never fit in with the normal infertiles because the first time facing this journey the problem wasn't with me. It was my husband. But I still didn't fit in with the normal people having babies because my husband was infertile. I was and am to this day completely fertile. The 2nd time we went through it, I was the mother of to lost babies and an adoptive mother. Still a mother, but then had still never birthed a baby and yet still not infertile and still not normal. The 3rd time around I am the mother of two lost babies, an adoptive mother, and a mother of one birth child. Now, I completely don't fit in anywhere because I have birthed, adopted, and lost. I am seen as ungrateful because I still desire more children when I already have two. I don't really know how to communicate my feelings right now. I am confused and heartbroken. I'm trying to hide my grief so my boys don't see it and so that I don't get ridiculed to death by those who have never been through this. I'm grieved at the possibility of never having another baby even though I am completely fertile and yet riddled with guilt for wanting more when I have two already. I hurt for my husband who thinks he has failed his wife and for the embarrassment that he faces with being infertile. I wish I could take it away for him. I wish I could heal him. I know that God is the great physician and that miracles do happen, but He has decided to not heal my husband. I do not have a lack of faith. This is the reality of our path that God is wanting us to accept.
All I can say is don't ever judge me if you yourself have not been through a spouse being infertile, adopting a child, loosing two children, birthing one, and still having a God given desire to have more! I am not ungrateful nor am I not happy for those that are blessed with the gift of pregnancy. I am happy for those that get pregnant, but it is still hard for me. How would you feel if your choice of having a child was taken from you and you had to sit back and watch others easily get what you longed for? How would you feel if you lost two babies? Since when is desiring more children being ungrateful? God commands us to be fruitful and multiply. But I guess the rules are different for me because I already have two and still have issues having more?! Let me try to understand this.... So as some are telling me... Normal people who don't have issues getting pregnant can have as many children as they desire and that's not considered being ungrateful. BUT, those that have issues with getting pregnant are considered ungrateful when they desire more children after already having some? What the heck?! Yeah, that totally sounds fair.....
Here's some advise to those that have never been through this. Don't ever call someone going through secondary infertility as ungrateful for what they have. Don't talk about how you had 3 kids, didn't want anymore, and then God just gave you another 2 more. Don't talk about how you tried for 4 or 5 months and then finally got pregnant. Really? Come on now! Talk to me after it's been a few years and you've been diagnosed with some type of devastating fertility issue. That has nothing to do with infertility. Don't ever tell them to keep it to themselves and suffer in silence. Would you tell someone who has cancer, depression, or is suicidal to suffer in silence? Infertility is a disease. People going through this need to talk if that's what they desire to do. It helps them process, heal, and accept. They do not do this for attention. Believe me talking about infertility is not a way I want to get attention. I would rather talk about more pleasant things than this. But this is the path God has put my feet on and He has laid it upon my heart to help bring awareness to this heartbreaking issue. Lastly, don't give advise and don't ever tell them to just relax or adopt you'll get pregnant. That may have worked for some, but it doesn't work for everyone. I adopted. I never got pregnant naturally. What I can say to those who have never been through infertility is this; be supportive, caring, loving, empathetic, compassionate, listen, be a shoulder to cry on, be a prayer warrior and pray, pray, PRAY!!!! Sometimes I just need someone to help smother my head in a pillow as I scream at the top of my lungs or to just be held tight while I cry my eyes out.
Sorry, If I'm coming across as angry and bitter. It's like experiencing a death every time your given bad news in regards to infertility. This has taken up 9 years of my life and I'm honestly getting exhausted from it. Yes, there have been wonderful blessings that have come out of it, but it has also been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have been given two babies that are safe in the arms of the Lord. I have been touched and blessed by adoption. And I have been given the gift of one healthy pregnancy. I have two wonderful amazing children that I thank God for every day. But I also have huge scares from the loss of my two babies and 9 years of heartache caused by infertility. I hope and pray that some day I will not feel the twinge of pain when I see a pregnant women, get a baby shower invite, or hold someone's newborn baby. I pray that some day God will place our final desire in my womb and remove the heartache from my heart for the rest of my life.
I've never quite fit in anywhere. Each time I went through infertility there was always something that would separate me from those who were infertile and those who are "normal". I never knew which support group to join because I don't have PCOS, bad eggs, abnormal periods, I'm not overweight, or have any other womanly infertility problems. I am like clock work! My cycles/ovulation is on the dot every month! Docs say I'm fertile and my Grandma Deckert says I've got birthing hips! I have a sperm problem. Where's a support group for wives who's husband's have a sperm problem. I still have not met anyone out there like that. Why is it so hard to get good healthy sperm? I don't understand! Why do they make it so expensive? It's not like women who already have a predestined amount of eggs the produce. You don't have to do invasive procedures to harvest sperm! Guys out there can produce as much of it as they want! All I need is healthy sperm! I totally feel like banging my head up against the wall right now..... Sorry to gross anyone out. This is infertility we're talking about here and we all know how babies are made. It's not some huge classified secrete.
If another person tells me, "Oh just relax, it will happen", I'm going to scream! I have a sperm problem! Not a relaxing and let your body do the work problem! That statement does not apply to me.
I have never fit in with the normal infertiles because the first time facing this journey the problem wasn't with me. It was my husband. But I still didn't fit in with the normal people having babies because my husband was infertile. I was and am to this day completely fertile. The 2nd time we went through it, I was the mother of to lost babies and an adoptive mother. Still a mother, but then had still never birthed a baby and yet still not infertile and still not normal. The 3rd time around I am the mother of two lost babies, an adoptive mother, and a mother of one birth child. Now, I completely don't fit in anywhere because I have birthed, adopted, and lost. I am seen as ungrateful because I still desire more children when I already have two. I don't really know how to communicate my feelings right now. I am confused and heartbroken. I'm trying to hide my grief so my boys don't see it and so that I don't get ridiculed to death by those who have never been through this. I'm grieved at the possibility of never having another baby even though I am completely fertile and yet riddled with guilt for wanting more when I have two already. I hurt for my husband who thinks he has failed his wife and for the embarrassment that he faces with being infertile. I wish I could take it away for him. I wish I could heal him. I know that God is the great physician and that miracles do happen, but He has decided to not heal my husband. I do not have a lack of faith. This is the reality of our path that God is wanting us to accept.
All I can say is don't ever judge me if you yourself have not been through a spouse being infertile, adopting a child, loosing two children, birthing one, and still having a God given desire to have more! I am not ungrateful nor am I not happy for those that are blessed with the gift of pregnancy. I am happy for those that get pregnant, but it is still hard for me. How would you feel if your choice of having a child was taken from you and you had to sit back and watch others easily get what you longed for? How would you feel if you lost two babies? Since when is desiring more children being ungrateful? God commands us to be fruitful and multiply. But I guess the rules are different for me because I already have two and still have issues having more?! Let me try to understand this.... So as some are telling me... Normal people who don't have issues getting pregnant can have as many children as they desire and that's not considered being ungrateful. BUT, those that have issues with getting pregnant are considered ungrateful when they desire more children after already having some? What the heck?! Yeah, that totally sounds fair.....
Here's some advise to those that have never been through this. Don't ever call someone going through secondary infertility as ungrateful for what they have. Don't talk about how you had 3 kids, didn't want anymore, and then God just gave you another 2 more. Don't talk about how you tried for 4 or 5 months and then finally got pregnant. Really? Come on now! Talk to me after it's been a few years and you've been diagnosed with some type of devastating fertility issue. That has nothing to do with infertility. Don't ever tell them to keep it to themselves and suffer in silence. Would you tell someone who has cancer, depression, or is suicidal to suffer in silence? Infertility is a disease. People going through this need to talk if that's what they desire to do. It helps them process, heal, and accept. They do not do this for attention. Believe me talking about infertility is not a way I want to get attention. I would rather talk about more pleasant things than this. But this is the path God has put my feet on and He has laid it upon my heart to help bring awareness to this heartbreaking issue. Lastly, don't give advise and don't ever tell them to just relax or adopt you'll get pregnant. That may have worked for some, but it doesn't work for everyone. I adopted. I never got pregnant naturally. What I can say to those who have never been through infertility is this; be supportive, caring, loving, empathetic, compassionate, listen, be a shoulder to cry on, be a prayer warrior and pray, pray, PRAY!!!! Sometimes I just need someone to help smother my head in a pillow as I scream at the top of my lungs or to just be held tight while I cry my eyes out.
Sorry, If I'm coming across as angry and bitter. It's like experiencing a death every time your given bad news in regards to infertility. This has taken up 9 years of my life and I'm honestly getting exhausted from it. Yes, there have been wonderful blessings that have come out of it, but it has also been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have been given two babies that are safe in the arms of the Lord. I have been touched and blessed by adoption. And I have been given the gift of one healthy pregnancy. I have two wonderful amazing children that I thank God for every day. But I also have huge scares from the loss of my two babies and 9 years of heartache caused by infertility. I hope and pray that some day I will not feel the twinge of pain when I see a pregnant women, get a baby shower invite, or hold someone's newborn baby. I pray that some day God will place our final desire in my womb and remove the heartache from my heart for the rest of my life.
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