Blessed In The Storm
It's been quite a long time since I've blogged..... I'm not even for sure I can still organize a thought into a complete sentence now that my brain is fried like a scrambled egg on the sidewalk during a hot summer day by my three amazing, wild, crazy, lovable little monsters. LOL! A lot has happened. For almost a year now I have debated blogging about these new storms. Once again in the midst of heartache I have found God asking me to someday use my story to be an encouragement and a comfort to others. I'll admit... I have hesitated this time. Only because these new storms bring more complications and possible back lash. I am prepared and ready to stand and to take whatever back lash comes my way if it can help even one person that is walking the storm that I have been walking. That in itself is worth it all.
After delivering our 3rd miracle baby in 2014 I thought we all would ride off into the sunset and live our happily ever after. After all, infertility was no over. I had the perfect marriage, perfect babies, my dream home, a perfect life.... Since then, I have graduated from being blessed by infertility to being blessed by the unrelenting storms that life has continuously blown my way.
I had once thought that infertility would be the hardest battle I would ever face. I thought that when it was finally over that it would be smooth sailing for the rest of my life. Of course, there would be little hiccups here and there, but nothing like the heartache 10 years of trying to conceive brought. When I think back on those days of charting cycles, doctor's apps for follicle ultrasounds, Clomid prescriptions, negative pregnancy tests, ultrasounds that showed no heartbeat, quiet lonely nights with just the two of us, I actually now miss those times. Not because of the daily chaos that a life with three children brings, but because those times were so much more simpler than what they have been now. At that time, it was Josh and I together against the world. Through heartache our marriage was still full of joy and laughter. It was us together fighting on our knees to grow our family.
I'm sure you're thinking to yourself what could possibly be worse than infertility? What could be so terrible and life altering that would cause me to miss those days of crying at the feet of Jesus for a child? It is so so hard for me to even type this. I've actually sat here for at least 20 mins trying to type out the words.
Broken trust. Humiliation. Lies. A broken heart. Deep wounds. Scars.
A shattered marriage.
You know.... When we said "I Do", I never thought it would happen to us. We loved each other so deeply. We were happy. He was a pastor. I was a deacons daughter. We both had chosen to follow Jesus from an early age. After 10 long years we finally had the family we had begged and pleaded God for. We knew what God's Word said and took our promises made before God seriously. I believed that because we survived infertility and the loss of our two babies that we could survive anything. But you know what we couldn't survive? We couldn't survive her.
My marriage all but died the summer of 2016 and so did a huge piece of me. I will never forget the day he called and said he wasn't coming home. I'll never forget when one of his new buddies excitedly strode to my door with divorce papers in hand. He had no shame that my children and piano students were right there.
It is forever etched into the fibers of my brain. My bones can still recall the physical pain of that season. The sights, the smells, the noises of my children playing in the yard on a hot summer day. The sweat dripping down the small of my back. The sun blinding my eyes. I can't even put into words what that pain feels like. The closet thing I can describe it to is that it really does feel like a knife stabbing you right into the core of your heart and slicing deep to the bone all the way down to your gut. Everything began to spin. My mouth instantly went dry. A deep cry from the depths of my inmost being clawed it's way up my throat and shot it's sound straight through the heavens and into the throne room of God. If a spouse leaving could literally kill you that would have been the death of me right then and there.
I know what you're thinking.... Did you see it coming? No, I didn't. We had our problems as every marriage has, but there was nothing majorly significant that was the straw that broke the camels back. When I think back I can now see red flags that my naive self missed. I can see the withdraw. I can now see the lack of interest in our children and in our marriage. I can now see the addiction to his cell phone. I can now see the depth of the relationship he had with people who were not God honoring. I can now see the canyon between him and God. I can now see her. Hind-sight is always 20/20. I blame myself for not seeing it sooner. I was so distracted by being a mother and trying to just make it through each day without falling asleep standing up. I was stuck in the motions of feedings, diaper changes, potty training, kinder homework, church, praise team, teaching piano, trying to just get a shower in and just daily life that I didn't see her coming. I don't even think he saw her coming until it was too late.
God reminds my heart of the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns.....
"It's a slow fade when you give yourself away,
black and white is turned to gray,
thoughts invade, choices made, a price will be paid when you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade."
My husband had been fading for a while and I never saw it. I do not blame myself for his actions. His choices were made by him and him alone. I blame myself for not being on the defense of my marriage. Most people would have turned their back on God in a situation like this. I knew in that moment that God was all I had and that He would fight for me. He would avenge me and my children. In the middle of that pain I physically felt the breath of God breathing straight into my heart to keep me going minute by minute.
I didn't have the strength to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home. All I could muster up through my tears was that daddy was having to work longer. For days they would look out the window right around 6 pm. Even though they couldn't tell time, they always seemed to know exactly when daddy was supposed to be driving up our long dirt driveway. It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. How do you even begin to tell your children that daddy isn't coming home?
The Sunday after he left I forced myself to get out out of bed and get to church. I just felt I had to get there. It was like a life line waiting for me. Walking into the building I felt like I was dragging my battered, broken, bleeding heart tied onto a rope into the church. I know that God does not dwell in the actual building, but for some reason the Holy Spirit was whispering to me to just get there. That day would be the first of several life altering amazing heavenly encounters I would experience.
I sat in the row our family and friends normally sit in. My parents to my right and two of our good friends to my left. Those that know me, know that God has gifted me with the gift of song. I serve with my gifts on one of the worship teams. Worship is my most favorite part of services. It's when I feel most connected with God. Music/worship is how God speaks to me. As the worship service began I couldn't bring myself to stand or lift my hands. I just sat there with my trembling hands in my lap as my dress was drenched in my tears.
That's when I saw them. I don't even know how to properly explain this. I saw them not with my eyes, but with my heart. The room was filled will hundreds of what looked like to be warrior type of angles. They were huge. They had swords. There heads were bowed. They flanked both my sides and my back. I could feel their strength. I could feel them praying over me. I could feel that they were ready to do battle. When God says He's for us, He literally means it! It was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had. The strength that God gave me that Sunday morning was the strength that would help get me through some of the most agonizing and torturous days I have ever faced.
I wish I could say it got better from there with my husband, but it didn't. Rumors began to fly. Lies told. Humiliation on social media and the depth of my husband's sin would continue to unfold right before my eyes. I will not get into the details of my husband's sin. There is no need for it and I would like to protect his dignity as much as possible. I know in time, when he is ready, God will allow him to share his testimony.
That week God sent me an unexpected prayer warrior that would teach me how to do battle on my knees. I grew up in a very strict, conservative, legalistic church. I was never taught the power of praying in the name of Jesus. I was never taught that I had the authority of Christ and that there was God given power in that. I was taught to fear God. I was taught to strive for perfection and that if there was tragedy in your life that you must have some un-confessed sin. For the record... God doesn't work that way. Don't fall into that trap like I did.
Remi..... Remi you are forever a God send.
Remi and I's children all had swim lessons at the same place and time. We had seen each other at church, but had never really spoken much. She knew my mom better than she knew me. It had been a full week since Josh had left when I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart to tell Remi what was happening. I didn't know her well at all and here God wanted me to tell her that my husband had left. I was scared. Embarrassed.
When the kids ran off to the pool for their lessons I sat at Remi's table. I looked at her and said "my husband has left me". Tears.... Remi rushed in and held me tighter than anyone ever has before. It was like God was using her to hold all the pieces of myself together. That's when she began to pray in a way I had never heard before. It gave me chills. It was a n earth shaking, chain breaking, thunder of heaven type of praying. It gave me strength. It was the strongest prayer I had ever heard verbalized by any human being on this earth. She prayed with words I had never heard prayed before.
The next few days at the pool Remi taught me how to pray with authority in Jesus name. That night after the kids were fast asleep I fell to my knees in the middle of the floor of my bedroom and began to pray in the authority of Jesus' name. I felt God touch my heart. The veil fell yet again and I saw with my heart again. I saw his feet. I knew He was there. I could feel him. He filled the room. I curled up in a ball at his feet and let the tears flood out onto the floor. In that moment I knew He would bring my husband back home. I did't know how, but I knew He would. That's when he asked me to show my husband grace and forgive him no matter what he had done.
After 10 years of infertility, I was left with believing God moved slow. I know He has his own timing and all. I was prepared to wait a long time for him to bring Josh home. Did you know that God answers our prayers before we even utter them? God had began to answer the cry of my heart well in advance of me ever even asking.
Did you know that when a spouse leaves you that the hardest part of the day is at night? I hadn't slept for more than 2 hours at a time since Josh had left. That night with Jesus sitting right next to me, I slept deep and long. As I rested in the Lord, God moved in a way I had never seen him move before. This was bigger than allowing us to conceive when we were told it was impossible. Josh had a heart of stone. He has completely captivated by her and with many of the worldly temptations a man can be tempted with. You would think that it would take forever to pull him from the clutches of the evil one. But.... It only took three days! Three days. Yes, you read that right. Three days. Isn't God awesome?!?! Can I get an amen?!?! Amen! On the 3rd day, I texted Josh and asked him to meet me to talk. He agreed! For almost 2 weeks he refused to speak with me. God touched his heart and began to soften it.
When we met, God told me to ask him to please give us three months to try to work this out. This was one of the hardest things God has ever asked me to do. To forgive, show grace, and ask my husband to come home even after knowing the depth of his sin and even knowing that he still was not wholeheartedly sorry for what he had done. At the end of our meeting he agreed he'd think about it. Then he kissed me. He kissed me!!!! The rest of that day we spent texting and talking on the phone. By the next morning he had agreed to come back home. However, he had not agreed to un-file the divorce papers. In all honesty, this made me sick to my stomach, but all I could do was trust the God would take care of that too.
The following Sunday after coming home we both were in church TOGETHER! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! God was not done yet. That morning, one of the pastor's preached on keeping your marriage commitments that were made before the Lord. Do you all realize what God is doing here? He works ALL THINGS for our good!!! Even when we can't see it, He is forever working for our good. On all the things he could have preached he preached about keep your marriage commitment! WOW! Praise you Lord! When services ended Josh grabbed my hand and took off running. I kept asking him "Where are we going"? He wouldn't tell me. Then he caught sight of Pastor Phil. He grabbed him by the arm and said we need to talk to you in your office right now. All three of us hurried off to his office. I still had absolutely no clue as to what he was doing.
There in Pastor Phil's office Josh broke down in tears. He told Phil all that he had done and for the first time looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked me to forgive him. He than asked Phil if he could be a witness to us signing the cancellation of the divorce papers which he had actually printed out the day before. Get this..... Those papers were right there in my purse. I didn't put them there. Josh didn't put them there.... I can't say it enough. God you are absolutely amazing! How can anyone say that God doesn't preform physical miracles in this day and age? I have seen God continuously preform impossible miracles over and over in my life and I know He's still not done.
I wish I could say I wholeheartedly forgave him in that instant that day. A part of me did. True forgiveness takes time. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It's a choice. You have to choose to forgive someone daily until the feeling of true forgiveness comes. I have had to forgive him each day over and over. I also wish I could say our marriage was revived from the brink of death and we were now on the road to true healing and restoration. We were...... For 8 wonderful months.
On July 8th, exactly one year later to the day, he left. Again.
I thought my marriage would be able to survive and be restored after this last storm. In spring of this last year, the winds began to change and a new ferocious storm began to move in. The clouds began to grow dark. The waves began to toss and God opened my eyes to the hurricane that was about ready to slam into my world. Yet again my marriage would not survive her. This time a different her. A her that was close to me. Someone I trusted. This time I saw it. This time I tried to call him out on it. I tried to stop it, but there was nothing I could do.
With tears in my eyes, I looked up and said "Satan, you're going down"!!!! That's when I prayed in Jesus name to expose my husband in his sin. With in 15 mins God had exposed him. Once again I found myself in a shattered mess. How could this be happening a second time? We were just in church on Sunday! He had been serving in the areas God has gifted him in. We both were involved with our life group. How in the world was he able to declare God's truths and then live a second life that is contradictory to what God calls us to? There were no answers. There still are no answers.
Once again rumors ran as the wind carries the embers of a raging fire creating more fires that still burn today. My whole world began to burn down around me yet again.... God was there to pick me up. To bandage my bleeding heart again. To breath his God breathed strength into my lungs again. No matter what the evil one throws at me I was and still am going to follow Christ. I will NEVER back down! I will never stop loving my Savior!!! Satan was and still will get one hell of a fight out of me.
One of the most important things I have learned in this storm is exactly who I am in Christ. Through out all of this mess there has been another woman God has sent to help me. She is someone that I care deeply for. She has been there each time to help me pick up the pieces. She hasn't just been there for me, but she has also been there to help my husband pick up his pieces too. No blame. No judgement. No shame. Just love for both of us. God has used this woman to help me see what He sees in me, to give me Godly wisdom, comfort, encouragement, and has been the one to gently tell me when I need to own up to my own mistakes. God has used her to show me that in Christ I am a fierce mighty warrior. Complete with a crown full of sparkling beautiful jewels, a shield, and sick looking sword! Like, I'm talking viking type warrior gear! Together her and I have been doing battle in this storm. This time I asked her to help me do the hardest thing in my life. To let him go.
This time I was not going to ask him to come back home. I deserved someone who would put God first in his life. I deserved someone who would be trustworthy. My children deserved a father who would put them above all worldly temptations. I began to ask God to help me still give my children a home that will be pleasing unto Him. I asked him to shield my children from the worldly things that they would now be exposed to from the lifestyle that my husband had planed to live. I began to pray for Him to someday send me a man that would love me unconditionally and that would love my children as his own. The next day I began to prepare my life to live as a single mom. I couldn't believe I was back in this storm again.
After about a week, he finally texted wanting to see the kids. As I read his words the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart to call him. I figured it was just to make it easier to work out the details of him seeing the kids. When he picked up his voice cracked and he started sobbing. The crack of his voice shattered my heart all over again, but in a different way. All I wanted to do was to reach through the phone and hold him. I wanted to tell him it's going to be OK. He then said he couldn't do this.
That's when God asked me to forgive him again and welcome him with open arms. I didn't want to. I was so so very hurt. I didn't know how I would ever forgive him and trust him again after this happening for a second time. He asked me to meet him at the park. I went even though my heart was conflicted and my parents were furious with me for even thinking of taking him back. On the drive there God was working on my heart.
When I saw the tears and remorse in his eyes I knew I needed to obey God and trust Him. He looked more sorry this time than I had ever seen him look. He had finally hit rock bottom. He had made so much of mess of his life, our life, that he looked like he was going to fall apart. That day I welcomed him back home with open arms.
The path to restoration is not easy. I am facing consequences for the choices he has made. I am facing repercussions for choosing to do what God has asked of me. Friendships have been lost. Family has been lost. People don't understand why I have chosen to work my marriage out. In all honesty, I would rather loose these relationships than throw away a marriage that I know God will restore and heal. I would rather follow God's plan for us than the plan others think best for me.
The storm has not ended. It still rages. Even though the waves threaten to swallow me whole I am keeping my eyes on Jesus. He has called me out of the boat and into the waves and that is were I will stay. My eyes focused on Him. Here in the depths of sorrow He is deepening my faith and refining me into the person He wants me to be.
It still deeply hurts. I am not healed yet. Our marriage is still being restored. I am blessed that even in our mess together, as husband and wife, we are now dong battle on our knees. No matter how dark it may seem God will have the glory in this.
I ask that you pray for us. Pray that both of us will still willingly fight for the restoration of our marriage. I ask you to pray that God will shield my husband's eyes, his heart, and his mind from all the schemes and temptations that the evil one will throw at him. Pray that God will show me how to truly forgive my husband like He forgives us of our sins. Pray that I will continuously show my husband grace. Pray that God will use our testimony to bring comfort and encouragement to others.
Today, God has given Josh and I a new marriage. Our old marriage is dead, but He has promised to restore what was lost and turn it into something more amazing than anything Josh and I could ever imagine. That is were I put my faith and trust.
Wives... The evil one hates your marriage. He is out there to kill and destroy. Your marriage is a battlefield. Get on your knees right now and fight even if you think all is well. Learn from my story. It's time to warrior up!
After delivering our 3rd miracle baby in 2014 I thought we all would ride off into the sunset and live our happily ever after. After all, infertility was no over. I had the perfect marriage, perfect babies, my dream home, a perfect life.... Since then, I have graduated from being blessed by infertility to being blessed by the unrelenting storms that life has continuously blown my way.
I had once thought that infertility would be the hardest battle I would ever face. I thought that when it was finally over that it would be smooth sailing for the rest of my life. Of course, there would be little hiccups here and there, but nothing like the heartache 10 years of trying to conceive brought. When I think back on those days of charting cycles, doctor's apps for follicle ultrasounds, Clomid prescriptions, negative pregnancy tests, ultrasounds that showed no heartbeat, quiet lonely nights with just the two of us, I actually now miss those times. Not because of the daily chaos that a life with three children brings, but because those times were so much more simpler than what they have been now. At that time, it was Josh and I together against the world. Through heartache our marriage was still full of joy and laughter. It was us together fighting on our knees to grow our family.
I'm sure you're thinking to yourself what could possibly be worse than infertility? What could be so terrible and life altering that would cause me to miss those days of crying at the feet of Jesus for a child? It is so so hard for me to even type this. I've actually sat here for at least 20 mins trying to type out the words.
Broken trust. Humiliation. Lies. A broken heart. Deep wounds. Scars.
A shattered marriage.
You know.... When we said "I Do", I never thought it would happen to us. We loved each other so deeply. We were happy. He was a pastor. I was a deacons daughter. We both had chosen to follow Jesus from an early age. After 10 long years we finally had the family we had begged and pleaded God for. We knew what God's Word said and took our promises made before God seriously. I believed that because we survived infertility and the loss of our two babies that we could survive anything. But you know what we couldn't survive? We couldn't survive her.
My marriage all but died the summer of 2016 and so did a huge piece of me. I will never forget the day he called and said he wasn't coming home. I'll never forget when one of his new buddies excitedly strode to my door with divorce papers in hand. He had no shame that my children and piano students were right there.
It is forever etched into the fibers of my brain. My bones can still recall the physical pain of that season. The sights, the smells, the noises of my children playing in the yard on a hot summer day. The sweat dripping down the small of my back. The sun blinding my eyes. I can't even put into words what that pain feels like. The closet thing I can describe it to is that it really does feel like a knife stabbing you right into the core of your heart and slicing deep to the bone all the way down to your gut. Everything began to spin. My mouth instantly went dry. A deep cry from the depths of my inmost being clawed it's way up my throat and shot it's sound straight through the heavens and into the throne room of God. If a spouse leaving could literally kill you that would have been the death of me right then and there.
I know what you're thinking.... Did you see it coming? No, I didn't. We had our problems as every marriage has, but there was nothing majorly significant that was the straw that broke the camels back. When I think back I can now see red flags that my naive self missed. I can see the withdraw. I can now see the lack of interest in our children and in our marriage. I can now see the addiction to his cell phone. I can now see the depth of the relationship he had with people who were not God honoring. I can now see the canyon between him and God. I can now see her. Hind-sight is always 20/20. I blame myself for not seeing it sooner. I was so distracted by being a mother and trying to just make it through each day without falling asleep standing up. I was stuck in the motions of feedings, diaper changes, potty training, kinder homework, church, praise team, teaching piano, trying to just get a shower in and just daily life that I didn't see her coming. I don't even think he saw her coming until it was too late.
God reminds my heart of the song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns.....
"It's a slow fade when you give yourself away,
black and white is turned to gray,
thoughts invade, choices made, a price will be paid when you give yourself away.
People never crumble in a day, it's a slow fade."
My husband had been fading for a while and I never saw it. I do not blame myself for his actions. His choices were made by him and him alone. I blame myself for not being on the defense of my marriage. Most people would have turned their back on God in a situation like this. I knew in that moment that God was all I had and that He would fight for me. He would avenge me and my children. In the middle of that pain I physically felt the breath of God breathing straight into my heart to keep me going minute by minute.
I didn't have the strength to tell my children that daddy wasn't coming home. All I could muster up through my tears was that daddy was having to work longer. For days they would look out the window right around 6 pm. Even though they couldn't tell time, they always seemed to know exactly when daddy was supposed to be driving up our long dirt driveway. It was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen in my life. How do you even begin to tell your children that daddy isn't coming home?
The Sunday after he left I forced myself to get out out of bed and get to church. I just felt I had to get there. It was like a life line waiting for me. Walking into the building I felt like I was dragging my battered, broken, bleeding heart tied onto a rope into the church. I know that God does not dwell in the actual building, but for some reason the Holy Spirit was whispering to me to just get there. That day would be the first of several life altering amazing heavenly encounters I would experience.
I sat in the row our family and friends normally sit in. My parents to my right and two of our good friends to my left. Those that know me, know that God has gifted me with the gift of song. I serve with my gifts on one of the worship teams. Worship is my most favorite part of services. It's when I feel most connected with God. Music/worship is how God speaks to me. As the worship service began I couldn't bring myself to stand or lift my hands. I just sat there with my trembling hands in my lap as my dress was drenched in my tears.
That's when I saw them. I don't even know how to properly explain this. I saw them not with my eyes, but with my heart. The room was filled will hundreds of what looked like to be warrior type of angles. They were huge. They had swords. There heads were bowed. They flanked both my sides and my back. I could feel their strength. I could feel them praying over me. I could feel that they were ready to do battle. When God says He's for us, He literally means it! It was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had. The strength that God gave me that Sunday morning was the strength that would help get me through some of the most agonizing and torturous days I have ever faced.
I wish I could say it got better from there with my husband, but it didn't. Rumors began to fly. Lies told. Humiliation on social media and the depth of my husband's sin would continue to unfold right before my eyes. I will not get into the details of my husband's sin. There is no need for it and I would like to protect his dignity as much as possible. I know in time, when he is ready, God will allow him to share his testimony.
That week God sent me an unexpected prayer warrior that would teach me how to do battle on my knees. I grew up in a very strict, conservative, legalistic church. I was never taught the power of praying in the name of Jesus. I was never taught that I had the authority of Christ and that there was God given power in that. I was taught to fear God. I was taught to strive for perfection and that if there was tragedy in your life that you must have some un-confessed sin. For the record... God doesn't work that way. Don't fall into that trap like I did.
Remi..... Remi you are forever a God send.
Remi and I's children all had swim lessons at the same place and time. We had seen each other at church, but had never really spoken much. She knew my mom better than she knew me. It had been a full week since Josh had left when I felt the Holy Spirit whisper to my heart to tell Remi what was happening. I didn't know her well at all and here God wanted me to tell her that my husband had left. I was scared. Embarrassed.
When the kids ran off to the pool for their lessons I sat at Remi's table. I looked at her and said "my husband has left me". Tears.... Remi rushed in and held me tighter than anyone ever has before. It was like God was using her to hold all the pieces of myself together. That's when she began to pray in a way I had never heard before. It gave me chills. It was a n earth shaking, chain breaking, thunder of heaven type of praying. It gave me strength. It was the strongest prayer I had ever heard verbalized by any human being on this earth. She prayed with words I had never heard prayed before.
The next few days at the pool Remi taught me how to pray with authority in Jesus name. That night after the kids were fast asleep I fell to my knees in the middle of the floor of my bedroom and began to pray in the authority of Jesus' name. I felt God touch my heart. The veil fell yet again and I saw with my heart again. I saw his feet. I knew He was there. I could feel him. He filled the room. I curled up in a ball at his feet and let the tears flood out onto the floor. In that moment I knew He would bring my husband back home. I did't know how, but I knew He would. That's when he asked me to show my husband grace and forgive him no matter what he had done.
After 10 years of infertility, I was left with believing God moved slow. I know He has his own timing and all. I was prepared to wait a long time for him to bring Josh home. Did you know that God answers our prayers before we even utter them? God had began to answer the cry of my heart well in advance of me ever even asking.
Did you know that when a spouse leaves you that the hardest part of the day is at night? I hadn't slept for more than 2 hours at a time since Josh had left. That night with Jesus sitting right next to me, I slept deep and long. As I rested in the Lord, God moved in a way I had never seen him move before. This was bigger than allowing us to conceive when we were told it was impossible. Josh had a heart of stone. He has completely captivated by her and with many of the worldly temptations a man can be tempted with. You would think that it would take forever to pull him from the clutches of the evil one. But.... It only took three days! Three days. Yes, you read that right. Three days. Isn't God awesome?!?! Can I get an amen?!?! Amen! On the 3rd day, I texted Josh and asked him to meet me to talk. He agreed! For almost 2 weeks he refused to speak with me. God touched his heart and began to soften it.
When we met, God told me to ask him to please give us three months to try to work this out. This was one of the hardest things God has ever asked me to do. To forgive, show grace, and ask my husband to come home even after knowing the depth of his sin and even knowing that he still was not wholeheartedly sorry for what he had done. At the end of our meeting he agreed he'd think about it. Then he kissed me. He kissed me!!!! The rest of that day we spent texting and talking on the phone. By the next morning he had agreed to come back home. However, he had not agreed to un-file the divorce papers. In all honesty, this made me sick to my stomach, but all I could do was trust the God would take care of that too.
The following Sunday after coming home we both were in church TOGETHER! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus! God was not done yet. That morning, one of the pastor's preached on keeping your marriage commitments that were made before the Lord. Do you all realize what God is doing here? He works ALL THINGS for our good!!! Even when we can't see it, He is forever working for our good. On all the things he could have preached he preached about keep your marriage commitment! WOW! Praise you Lord! When services ended Josh grabbed my hand and took off running. I kept asking him "Where are we going"? He wouldn't tell me. Then he caught sight of Pastor Phil. He grabbed him by the arm and said we need to talk to you in your office right now. All three of us hurried off to his office. I still had absolutely no clue as to what he was doing.
There in Pastor Phil's office Josh broke down in tears. He told Phil all that he had done and for the first time looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked me to forgive him. He than asked Phil if he could be a witness to us signing the cancellation of the divorce papers which he had actually printed out the day before. Get this..... Those papers were right there in my purse. I didn't put them there. Josh didn't put them there.... I can't say it enough. God you are absolutely amazing! How can anyone say that God doesn't preform physical miracles in this day and age? I have seen God continuously preform impossible miracles over and over in my life and I know He's still not done.
I wish I could say I wholeheartedly forgave him in that instant that day. A part of me did. True forgiveness takes time. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It's a choice. You have to choose to forgive someone daily until the feeling of true forgiveness comes. I have had to forgive him each day over and over. I also wish I could say our marriage was revived from the brink of death and we were now on the road to true healing and restoration. We were...... For 8 wonderful months.
On July 8th, exactly one year later to the day, he left. Again.
I thought my marriage would be able to survive and be restored after this last storm. In spring of this last year, the winds began to change and a new ferocious storm began to move in. The clouds began to grow dark. The waves began to toss and God opened my eyes to the hurricane that was about ready to slam into my world. Yet again my marriage would not survive her. This time a different her. A her that was close to me. Someone I trusted. This time I saw it. This time I tried to call him out on it. I tried to stop it, but there was nothing I could do.
With tears in my eyes, I looked up and said "Satan, you're going down"!!!! That's when I prayed in Jesus name to expose my husband in his sin. With in 15 mins God had exposed him. Once again I found myself in a shattered mess. How could this be happening a second time? We were just in church on Sunday! He had been serving in the areas God has gifted him in. We both were involved with our life group. How in the world was he able to declare God's truths and then live a second life that is contradictory to what God calls us to? There were no answers. There still are no answers.
Once again rumors ran as the wind carries the embers of a raging fire creating more fires that still burn today. My whole world began to burn down around me yet again.... God was there to pick me up. To bandage my bleeding heart again. To breath his God breathed strength into my lungs again. No matter what the evil one throws at me I was and still am going to follow Christ. I will NEVER back down! I will never stop loving my Savior!!! Satan was and still will get one hell of a fight out of me.
One of the most important things I have learned in this storm is exactly who I am in Christ. Through out all of this mess there has been another woman God has sent to help me. She is someone that I care deeply for. She has been there each time to help me pick up the pieces. She hasn't just been there for me, but she has also been there to help my husband pick up his pieces too. No blame. No judgement. No shame. Just love for both of us. God has used this woman to help me see what He sees in me, to give me Godly wisdom, comfort, encouragement, and has been the one to gently tell me when I need to own up to my own mistakes. God has used her to show me that in Christ I am a fierce mighty warrior. Complete with a crown full of sparkling beautiful jewels, a shield, and sick looking sword! Like, I'm talking viking type warrior gear! Together her and I have been doing battle in this storm. This time I asked her to help me do the hardest thing in my life. To let him go.
This time I was not going to ask him to come back home. I deserved someone who would put God first in his life. I deserved someone who would be trustworthy. My children deserved a father who would put them above all worldly temptations. I began to ask God to help me still give my children a home that will be pleasing unto Him. I asked him to shield my children from the worldly things that they would now be exposed to from the lifestyle that my husband had planed to live. I began to pray for Him to someday send me a man that would love me unconditionally and that would love my children as his own. The next day I began to prepare my life to live as a single mom. I couldn't believe I was back in this storm again.
After about a week, he finally texted wanting to see the kids. As I read his words the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart to call him. I figured it was just to make it easier to work out the details of him seeing the kids. When he picked up his voice cracked and he started sobbing. The crack of his voice shattered my heart all over again, but in a different way. All I wanted to do was to reach through the phone and hold him. I wanted to tell him it's going to be OK. He then said he couldn't do this.
That's when God asked me to forgive him again and welcome him with open arms. I didn't want to. I was so so very hurt. I didn't know how I would ever forgive him and trust him again after this happening for a second time. He asked me to meet him at the park. I went even though my heart was conflicted and my parents were furious with me for even thinking of taking him back. On the drive there God was working on my heart.
When I saw the tears and remorse in his eyes I knew I needed to obey God and trust Him. He looked more sorry this time than I had ever seen him look. He had finally hit rock bottom. He had made so much of mess of his life, our life, that he looked like he was going to fall apart. That day I welcomed him back home with open arms.
The path to restoration is not easy. I am facing consequences for the choices he has made. I am facing repercussions for choosing to do what God has asked of me. Friendships have been lost. Family has been lost. People don't understand why I have chosen to work my marriage out. In all honesty, I would rather loose these relationships than throw away a marriage that I know God will restore and heal. I would rather follow God's plan for us than the plan others think best for me.
The storm has not ended. It still rages. Even though the waves threaten to swallow me whole I am keeping my eyes on Jesus. He has called me out of the boat and into the waves and that is were I will stay. My eyes focused on Him. Here in the depths of sorrow He is deepening my faith and refining me into the person He wants me to be.
It still deeply hurts. I am not healed yet. Our marriage is still being restored. I am blessed that even in our mess together, as husband and wife, we are now dong battle on our knees. No matter how dark it may seem God will have the glory in this.
I ask that you pray for us. Pray that both of us will still willingly fight for the restoration of our marriage. I ask you to pray that God will shield my husband's eyes, his heart, and his mind from all the schemes and temptations that the evil one will throw at him. Pray that God will show me how to truly forgive my husband like He forgives us of our sins. Pray that I will continuously show my husband grace. Pray that God will use our testimony to bring comfort and encouragement to others.
Today, God has given Josh and I a new marriage. Our old marriage is dead, but He has promised to restore what was lost and turn it into something more amazing than anything Josh and I could ever imagine. That is were I put my faith and trust.
Wives... The evil one hates your marriage. He is out there to kill and destroy. Your marriage is a battlefield. Get on your knees right now and fight even if you think all is well. Learn from my story. It's time to warrior up!
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