Roller Coaster
Up, down, all around, front, backwards, side to side, hang on to your lunch because it's a bumpy ride! Most times I brace for impact, but this time I think I'll just throw my hands in the air and scream!
I'm a huge roller coaster fan! I love the thrill! When I jump into the car I quickly tie the straps of my purse to my leg several times and secure any of my loose possessions so I don't loose anything on the ride. I begin to shake with fear and excitement. The bell rings and the roller coaster begins its click, click, click ascend to the top of the track. I find my self gripping the rails to brace myself for what's to come. My heart drops into my throat and my stomach tightens in knots. As I watch the cars in front of me disappear over the edge I decide to let loose, throw my hands in the air, and scream at the top of my lungs as I pretend to sore threw the air like a bird!
As we all know, roller coasters have highs, lows, drops, twists, and turns. Sometimes their exhilarating and then sometimes their scary. Sometimes we exit the ride realizing we lost something of ours and praying never to ride it again; but then other times we're so pumped with adrenaline we want to do it again. I often times compare our infertility journey to a roller coaster. I've been pumped with hope at times along the way while other times I have lost pieces of myself.
Over a 9 year period we have been told numerous conflicting information in regards to our fertility. First we were told my husband would never be able to have kids and that our only options were adoption and IUI with donor sperm. Then we were told only IVF would work. Then we were told my husband could get me pregnant naturally if he took Brovell shots (that never worked). It was hard seeing my husband shot himself up with hormones into his stomach. Next it was IUI with donor sperm. Seven rounds of that and two failed pregnancies left us shattered and defeated. At that point, we walked away from infertility and adopted. Which was another roller coaster ride in itself, but that's another post entirely. After a two year hiatus, we returned to the dreaded fertility doc (he actually is really awesome. We just would prefer to see him under different circumstances), only to find out that it still wasn't going to be possible. After our failed attempts with IUI using donor sperm from a sperm bank we then heard of fresh private sperm donors. This did the trick! The summer after I gave birth to our youngest son we decided to try our hand at it again since I was now into my 30's. After all I'm not getting any younger. Are you exhausted yet from all of this? I am! I'm exhausted from typing this out and living it! Well, unfortunately this last summer our donor told us that he was no longer donating. I can't even begin to describe to you how upset I was. All I wanted was one more! How could this happen when I was nearing the end of my fertility roller coaster? Or at least I thought.
That huge blow landed us back in our infertility doctor's office AGAIN! Now, it was back to more meds, more blood work, more lab tests! After getting the results my husband was told he should not have any problems getting me pregnant naturally. We spent the next 4 months trying like mad. And guess what...... nothing happened. I know they say to give it time and that it takes any normal couple up to a year to conceive, but I knew something was wrong. Back to the doctor we went. Come to find out our doctor never told Josh we could get pregnant on our own. He misunderstood. Our doctor meant that he would have no problems getting me pregnant with IUI or IVF. I was furious! How in the world did he misunderstand that! After a lot of tears and two weeks of hell, I decided to forgive my husband for his little misunderstanding. Are you frustrated yet? Are the ups and downs driving you crazy? I went crazy from this a long time ago. Well, onto the next and hopefully final twist. My husband had some more testing done with some new meds he's been taking. Our doctor called and left a long message for us both so that way there wouldn't be anymore misunderstandings and even gave his personal cell phone number for me to call if I wanted to drill him about the results. Basically he said, I'm paraphrasing or course, that the clomid was working for Josh. All areas of his testing were NORMAL! Some were even above normal! He said IVF would be a waist of money and not to do it. He recommendations for us were to start trying all over like nothing had happened. The next call he wanted from us was to tell him that I am pregnant. We've known this for a few days now. I'm still in disbelief. I've been waiting for the "but" part. Josh keeps asking me why I'm not excited and all I can say is that I have had so much devastation with all this that I am guarded. I am cautiously excited. I will wait and see what happens before I allow myself to be over joyous. This is not me doubting God's healing. I know God can do anything He wants to. I've guarding my heart and yes there may be some doubt there. After all I'm not perfect. I'm just trying to hang on to what little hope I have left from this ride.
I want this so bad for my husband. I know that he needs this. I pray that these results are true. I pray that they are from God. I am grateful and thankful for God's healing.
Stay tuned for the next twist(hopefully a happy pregnancy twist)!
I'm a huge roller coaster fan! I love the thrill! When I jump into the car I quickly tie the straps of my purse to my leg several times and secure any of my loose possessions so I don't loose anything on the ride. I begin to shake with fear and excitement. The bell rings and the roller coaster begins its click, click, click ascend to the top of the track. I find my self gripping the rails to brace myself for what's to come. My heart drops into my throat and my stomach tightens in knots. As I watch the cars in front of me disappear over the edge I decide to let loose, throw my hands in the air, and scream at the top of my lungs as I pretend to sore threw the air like a bird!
As we all know, roller coasters have highs, lows, drops, twists, and turns. Sometimes their exhilarating and then sometimes their scary. Sometimes we exit the ride realizing we lost something of ours and praying never to ride it again; but then other times we're so pumped with adrenaline we want to do it again. I often times compare our infertility journey to a roller coaster. I've been pumped with hope at times along the way while other times I have lost pieces of myself.
Over a 9 year period we have been told numerous conflicting information in regards to our fertility. First we were told my husband would never be able to have kids and that our only options were adoption and IUI with donor sperm. Then we were told only IVF would work. Then we were told my husband could get me pregnant naturally if he took Brovell shots (that never worked). It was hard seeing my husband shot himself up with hormones into his stomach. Next it was IUI with donor sperm. Seven rounds of that and two failed pregnancies left us shattered and defeated. At that point, we walked away from infertility and adopted. Which was another roller coaster ride in itself, but that's another post entirely. After a two year hiatus, we returned to the dreaded fertility doc (he actually is really awesome. We just would prefer to see him under different circumstances), only to find out that it still wasn't going to be possible. After our failed attempts with IUI using donor sperm from a sperm bank we then heard of fresh private sperm donors. This did the trick! The summer after I gave birth to our youngest son we decided to try our hand at it again since I was now into my 30's. After all I'm not getting any younger. Are you exhausted yet from all of this? I am! I'm exhausted from typing this out and living it! Well, unfortunately this last summer our donor told us that he was no longer donating. I can't even begin to describe to you how upset I was. All I wanted was one more! How could this happen when I was nearing the end of my fertility roller coaster? Or at least I thought.
That huge blow landed us back in our infertility doctor's office AGAIN! Now, it was back to more meds, more blood work, more lab tests! After getting the results my husband was told he should not have any problems getting me pregnant naturally. We spent the next 4 months trying like mad. And guess what...... nothing happened. I know they say to give it time and that it takes any normal couple up to a year to conceive, but I knew something was wrong. Back to the doctor we went. Come to find out our doctor never told Josh we could get pregnant on our own. He misunderstood. Our doctor meant that he would have no problems getting me pregnant with IUI or IVF. I was furious! How in the world did he misunderstand that! After a lot of tears and two weeks of hell, I decided to forgive my husband for his little misunderstanding. Are you frustrated yet? Are the ups and downs driving you crazy? I went crazy from this a long time ago. Well, onto the next and hopefully final twist. My husband had some more testing done with some new meds he's been taking. Our doctor called and left a long message for us both so that way there wouldn't be anymore misunderstandings and even gave his personal cell phone number for me to call if I wanted to drill him about the results. Basically he said, I'm paraphrasing or course, that the clomid was working for Josh. All areas of his testing were NORMAL! Some were even above normal! He said IVF would be a waist of money and not to do it. He recommendations for us were to start trying all over like nothing had happened. The next call he wanted from us was to tell him that I am pregnant. We've known this for a few days now. I'm still in disbelief. I've been waiting for the "but" part. Josh keeps asking me why I'm not excited and all I can say is that I have had so much devastation with all this that I am guarded. I am cautiously excited. I will wait and see what happens before I allow myself to be over joyous. This is not me doubting God's healing. I know God can do anything He wants to. I've guarding my heart and yes there may be some doubt there. After all I'm not perfect. I'm just trying to hang on to what little hope I have left from this ride.
I want this so bad for my husband. I know that he needs this. I pray that these results are true. I pray that they are from God. I am grateful and thankful for God's healing.
Stay tuned for the next twist(hopefully a happy pregnancy twist)!
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