Acceptance
The inability to conceive naturally combined with the ups and downs of infertility for years on end is like being continuously suffocated and drowned over and over all at the same time. I have been so deeply wounded by infertility that even if we resolve it someday, I don't know that I will ever live a life with out the pain of this again. It has become so ingrained into the very core of who I have become. It is always the massive elephant in the room at family gatherings, baby showers, birthday parties, and what not. It is the one thing that is always throne in my face or used against me by those that despise me. I've always thought that if I adopted or finally birthed a child that I would be miraculously healed of this devastation that has plagued my life. I will be the first to tell you. Adoption and birth is not a cure all for infertility. Yes, it makes it easier. But when you have been in the midst of this for years on end with so much disappointment, it will traumatize you. It doesn't just go away when it's supposedly over. I am now realizing that I will have to accept that even after I have ended my fight to have babies, that infertility will still be there. It will be a struggle that I will have to work on overcoming for the rest of my life. I am going to have to continuously work on healing my wounds. I know that God is Ralpha. He is my Healer. But healing takes time and work. It wont be gone over night. I accept that.
Over the last two weeks I have been experiencing a lot of flash backs and dreams of when I lost my first baby. You see, a friend of mine has been going through some hardships in her pregnancy and may loose her precious baby. Some of the aspects of this situation are very similar to what my husband and I experienced. I can feel her grief like it is my own. I see the pain in her eyes and I know that pain all too well. It's a pain that I still struggle with today. It's been awhile since I talked about my first baby. I try not to talk too much about it because sometimes the grief can become too great and swallow me hole. On January 30th it will have been 5 years since he entered Jesus' arms. When I look at my youngest son, Caleb, I wonder what he would have looked like. Would he have had Caleb's eyes? His smile? His laugh? Does he know that he has two brothers here on earth? Does he know that not a day goes by that his mommy doesn't think of him? Sometimes I picture myself entering Heaven hand in hand with Jesus and having my two babies run to meet me. My lost son picks me up in his arms and twills me around in a huge bear hug as my 2nd lost baby laughs and giggles. Even though that picture is just a dream right now, I know that someday it will become my reality. Having two children in Heaven makes Heaven so much more sweeter! Before the loss of my two babies, I didn't really understand the whole "glad reunion day" thing. Yeah, I had lost great grandparents and such that I loved dearly and missed greatly. But once you loose a child, Heaven becomes so much more real to you. It's the only hope you have to cling to in those painful moments of missing your child. Everyday I look forward to that one special day when my whole family is reunited with our earthly children and our Heavenly children.
For now, I am broken and unsure of what the future will hold. I keep trying to piece back together the pieces of a shattered dream of a happy go lucky 5 year old red headed little girl that only dreamt of getting married and having a large family. For 9 years those pieces have not been fitting back together. I know God has His best for me. He has given me an amazing husband and two amazing children. Yes, it's been a fight and a struggle and it looks like He wants me to continue to fight for this next child. Deep down I know that God will someday bless us with another child. I think He's allowing this all to happen because He wants me to let go of my dream and accept the new dream He has for my family building. From where I sit this dream He has is hard. It's full of tears. It's doesn't seem fair. It hurts! But I know and must keep reminding myself that I am clay in the potter's hands and He is molding me into His best.
Over the last two weeks I have been experiencing a lot of flash backs and dreams of when I lost my first baby. You see, a friend of mine has been going through some hardships in her pregnancy and may loose her precious baby. Some of the aspects of this situation are very similar to what my husband and I experienced. I can feel her grief like it is my own. I see the pain in her eyes and I know that pain all too well. It's a pain that I still struggle with today. It's been awhile since I talked about my first baby. I try not to talk too much about it because sometimes the grief can become too great and swallow me hole. On January 30th it will have been 5 years since he entered Jesus' arms. When I look at my youngest son, Caleb, I wonder what he would have looked like. Would he have had Caleb's eyes? His smile? His laugh? Does he know that he has two brothers here on earth? Does he know that not a day goes by that his mommy doesn't think of him? Sometimes I picture myself entering Heaven hand in hand with Jesus and having my two babies run to meet me. My lost son picks me up in his arms and twills me around in a huge bear hug as my 2nd lost baby laughs and giggles. Even though that picture is just a dream right now, I know that someday it will become my reality. Having two children in Heaven makes Heaven so much more sweeter! Before the loss of my two babies, I didn't really understand the whole "glad reunion day" thing. Yeah, I had lost great grandparents and such that I loved dearly and missed greatly. But once you loose a child, Heaven becomes so much more real to you. It's the only hope you have to cling to in those painful moments of missing your child. Everyday I look forward to that one special day when my whole family is reunited with our earthly children and our Heavenly children.
For now, I am broken and unsure of what the future will hold. I keep trying to piece back together the pieces of a shattered dream of a happy go lucky 5 year old red headed little girl that only dreamt of getting married and having a large family. For 9 years those pieces have not been fitting back together. I know God has His best for me. He has given me an amazing husband and two amazing children. Yes, it's been a fight and a struggle and it looks like He wants me to continue to fight for this next child. Deep down I know that God will someday bless us with another child. I think He's allowing this all to happen because He wants me to let go of my dream and accept the new dream He has for my family building. From where I sit this dream He has is hard. It's full of tears. It's doesn't seem fair. It hurts! But I know and must keep reminding myself that I am clay in the potter's hands and He is molding me into His best.
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