Batter Up!
Have you ever had your emotions played with only to be dropped like you're a piece of nothing? I have. Or at least that's how it feels. I feel like my husband and I's emotions were toyed with. I don't know why. I don't understand why some feel it's OK to lie or misslead you. Especially in a matter such as this. It's already heart wrenching as it is. I have always been taught to always tell the truth even when it hurts. Granted I'm not perfect at it, but I make a huge effort to tell it. Yeah, the truth would have hurt, but it would have been so much better than the lie. We would have had clossure. I wish I could get the truth. I've tried with zilch success of getting it. I guess for some people the truth isn't worth their effort. So here I am trying to overcome my anger, forgive, and try to find another way of having a baby.
I never wanted to go back to the infertility doctor. Going this route always makes me feel like just another number or another sad story of woe. It makes me feel as if this is a science experiment rather than a creation of love that two people have for one another. The infertility process with the doctor always takes forever! We get filled with hope of maybe this new medicine will actually work only to find out months later it didn't even make a dent in the numbers. So here we are again. Back in the infertility doctors office. I wish I could describe to you in words how much I really dislike this route. This route has never worked for us. It has always ended in heartache. But this is the only route we have left.
I find myself begging God to free me of this desire, but when the morning comes it's still there like a constant fire blazing in the dark. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe God keeps it there so I'll keep fighting? For now, no matter how hard it gets, I am determined to fight for it until God takes the fight out of me. With tear stained cheeks and a broken heart I will kept fighting!
Josh and I were talking the other day about all the various routes we have had to go with trying to grow our family. He kind of compared it to baseball....LOL. This last time, AI with our donor, I was up to bat. Now it's his turn to bat. I just wish for his turn it didn't include injecting himself with hormones into is stomach 3 times a week. With each injection it gives him hope that maybe this will work. For his pride and my sanity, I pray with all my might it works. I pray this time Josh will hit it out of the park! I try to imagine what it would even feel like for it to work. It's a feeling I can't even fathom.
So Josh, batter up!
I never wanted to go back to the infertility doctor. Going this route always makes me feel like just another number or another sad story of woe. It makes me feel as if this is a science experiment rather than a creation of love that two people have for one another. The infertility process with the doctor always takes forever! We get filled with hope of maybe this new medicine will actually work only to find out months later it didn't even make a dent in the numbers. So here we are again. Back in the infertility doctors office. I wish I could describe to you in words how much I really dislike this route. This route has never worked for us. It has always ended in heartache. But this is the only route we have left.
I find myself begging God to free me of this desire, but when the morning comes it's still there like a constant fire blazing in the dark. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe God keeps it there so I'll keep fighting? For now, no matter how hard it gets, I am determined to fight for it until God takes the fight out of me. With tear stained cheeks and a broken heart I will kept fighting!
Josh and I were talking the other day about all the various routes we have had to go with trying to grow our family. He kind of compared it to baseball....LOL. This last time, AI with our donor, I was up to bat. Now it's his turn to bat. I just wish for his turn it didn't include injecting himself with hormones into is stomach 3 times a week. With each injection it gives him hope that maybe this will work. For his pride and my sanity, I pray with all my might it works. I pray this time Josh will hit it out of the park! I try to imagine what it would even feel like for it to work. It's a feeling I can't even fathom.
So Josh, batter up!
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