Believe
I saw the word "Believe" pop up in my FB feed today as I was obsessing over how we are going to make this 3rd baby possible. I was just about in tears. It's been a rough week. Every time I experience infertility a baby boom amongst my close group of friends is always inevitable. I'm trying not to let it get me down because I value their friendships so much more than wallowing in my pain. I've been trying really hard to suppress all my feelings so they wont see it's killing me. I want desperately to be 110% happy for them. I want desperately to talk about their pregnancies with them with out feeling the twinge of pain in my stomach. You would think that after finally birthing a baby this wouldn't bother me. But infertility has left some huge scares and lasting pain. Anyways, while sitting here almost in tears I just couldn't get my human mind to come up with any scenario of how it would be possible. But this is what makes God so awesome. Is turning these kind of situations into possible when we thought they would never work out. When I saw it, I saw "God" as the profile picture. I don't know if that was a message from God trying to tell me to just believe or if it was just me way over thinking things again. After all, does God even use social media to get our attention? Well, since He's limitless and if I don't put Him in a box, then I guess it could be possible.
But it got me thinking: I have always struggled in some ways with belief. Especially, when I experienced infertility. I have never doubted God's exsistance. I know He's there. I know he created all things and I know He sent His Son to save us. Believing in God, for me, is like breathing. I don't have to think about it. I just do it. I have never doubted that God can. I know He can do anything! I know He can turn the impossible possible. I've seen this with my own eyes. God is limitless. This I also have never had to think about. It just comes naturally to me to believe He can. But, where I get tripped up on is the "Would He do that for me?" After all I have seen Him turn two impossible situations into possible in my life. Jonah and Caleb are living walking talking proof of God's mighty hands in my life. But when does the impossible turning possible run out? Is there a limit? Have I reached my limit? Will He really do that for me again? Where's the line of being practical verses having complete hope that He will full fill my desire? Can practical and hope even coexist together? Or maybe God doesn't want us to be practical? Maybe He just wants us to always have complete un-doubting hope. But in having that kind of hope/belief, what happens when He doesn't full fill it? I know for me when this happens I become an emotional wreck. I Believe He's there, I believe He can, but I don't know if I believe He will. Is that not having faith? After all, I can't read God's mind. I don't know if He's going to do something for me until He does it. But in the meantime, I still know that He can. Are you confused yet? I am...... I know I put up walls between me and God when it comes to total belief that He will do something. It's a defense mechanism for me. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces and work on overcome this again. I know what the pain of infertility feels like when it doesn't work out. I don't ever want to experience that again. So how can I completely believe that He will bless me with my desire with out getting hurt if He doesn't? I was hoping by the end of this post I would have it figured out. That happens most of the time when I write, but here I am 8 years later still asking the same questions and still not any closer to the answers.
But it got me thinking: I have always struggled in some ways with belief. Especially, when I experienced infertility. I have never doubted God's exsistance. I know He's there. I know he created all things and I know He sent His Son to save us. Believing in God, for me, is like breathing. I don't have to think about it. I just do it. I have never doubted that God can. I know He can do anything! I know He can turn the impossible possible. I've seen this with my own eyes. God is limitless. This I also have never had to think about. It just comes naturally to me to believe He can. But, where I get tripped up on is the "Would He do that for me?" After all I have seen Him turn two impossible situations into possible in my life. Jonah and Caleb are living walking talking proof of God's mighty hands in my life. But when does the impossible turning possible run out? Is there a limit? Have I reached my limit? Will He really do that for me again? Where's the line of being practical verses having complete hope that He will full fill my desire? Can practical and hope even coexist together? Or maybe God doesn't want us to be practical? Maybe He just wants us to always have complete un-doubting hope. But in having that kind of hope/belief, what happens when He doesn't full fill it? I know for me when this happens I become an emotional wreck. I Believe He's there, I believe He can, but I don't know if I believe He will. Is that not having faith? After all, I can't read God's mind. I don't know if He's going to do something for me until He does it. But in the meantime, I still know that He can. Are you confused yet? I am...... I know I put up walls between me and God when it comes to total belief that He will do something. It's a defense mechanism for me. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces and work on overcome this again. I know what the pain of infertility feels like when it doesn't work out. I don't ever want to experience that again. So how can I completely believe that He will bless me with my desire with out getting hurt if He doesn't? I was hoping by the end of this post I would have it figured out. That happens most of the time when I write, but here I am 8 years later still asking the same questions and still not any closer to the answers.
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