My Secret Life

Late at night I often find my mind wondering off to a life that only lives in my dreams. It's a secret life that I only get to live for too short of time. It's a life that brings me happiness and heartache. It's a life were infertility does not exist and my angel babies are happy and healthy in my arms. In this dream I have overwhelming happiness, that for a brief moment, I am living my deepest longing, but then heartache for when I wake and realize it was just a dream. In this dream life infertility does not exist. My home is filled with warmth and light that radiates in from every window. I hear the giggles and petter patter of my 4 babies running through our house. I can see my husband chasing them down the hall, grabbing our daughter up in his arms, swinging her around as she squeals with delight. Her 3 brothers hanging on to daddy's legs screaming "Me next, Me next"! I can hear our daughter trying to boss Jonah around over something trivial. I can see him giving her the hand like he does to me in my real life! LOL! My heart swells with overflowing joy as my eyes release silent tears. My body knows that it isn't real. My body reacts to the heartache that I will face when I wake. For a moment I contemplate, "Should I let this dream go on?" or should I stop it now before I have too many pieces of my shattered heart to pick up when I have to face reality again when I wake?

This night, I decide against my better judgment and dream on. I dream of hot summer days with my 4 children playing in the sprinklers. I dream of Christmas and their child-like eagerness for Santa to come in the morning. I can see their toys scattered through out the house. I can smell the sweet aroma of babies after a bath. In this house, there is no pain of death or disappointment. This family has never experienced it. My body begins to stir. The children begin to fade like a picture going out on a TV. I fight the urge to wake and desperately make myself dream on. My body can feel the sadness coming. I use my mind to suppress those feelings and cling to the voices of my 4 children in my dream. I'm back! I can see them clearly now! I sigh a sigh of relief.

Now I feel sick. Something is off. I realize maybe I'm pregnant? I pull out a pregnancy test, pee on the stick, and patiently await the answer. In this life I don't feel dread of impending doom from this little digital device. My heart doesn't race and I don't feel like I'm suffocating. In this life I have never seen a negative test. The minutes don't feel like hours like they do in my reality when awaiting a pregnancy test. My breath is steady and even. My heart steadily beats to the beat of a drum. A few short minutes later the word "Pregnant" appears in the window. YES!!!!! I'm over joyed! The kids and I immediately begin scheming of how we will announce this glorious news to daddy. After a long wondrous day in my perfect little dream Josh finally arrives home from work. I can't see exactly how I told him. I'm too distracted by the excitement radiating off of his face. It's so different from his face in reality. There are no deep wounds of years of infertility etched into the beautiful lines or curvatures of his face. All I can see is radiance and triumph beaming from every pour of his body. He scoops me into his arms, swings me around, and plants a huge kiss on my lips. It's so easy in my dream life.

Like all dreams, there's not a running reel of my dream life playing before my eyes. It skips around like most dreams do. Next I find myself in my OB's office. But this time it's like an out of body experience. I'm just an outsider in the cold looking in. I see huge smiles from ear to ear on both Josh and my faces. I can't hear what we're saying. I desperately try to will myself in my body on that exam table, but I can't make it happen. My attention in averted away from my body and onto the tiny silhouette of our precious bundle of joy bouncing around on the ultrasound machine. In this life, I will never be told that 'there's no heart beat'. In this life there's a happy ending.

My dream begins to jump again. My body starts to stir even more. I'm beginning to over load my body with too many painful longings. But I keep pressing on. I reach out and cling to my dream. Desperately trying to make it real.

This time I'm in the delivery room. Josh is tightly holding my hand. He gently kisses my forehead and whispers 'I love you, you can do this'. In this delivery room I am surrounded by my loved ones excitedly awaiting this precious arrival. I hear the doctor say "Come on Rebekah, PUSH! I push and push as hard as I can with each contraction that rolls through my body. The doctor shouts "Here it comes"! I hear my family cheer with my baby's arrival! I wait for the room to be filled with the cries of this precious new life. But I hear nothing.... I reach out waiting for my arms to be filled with the warmth of his/her body, but before I get to see and hold what I have so desperately long for, my body has reached it's max. Reality rips me away from my baby like a thief in the night! My eyes flutter open. Tears streaming down my face. The bottomless pit of pain in my stomach is back like a vengeance. I feel a thousand needles stabbing me all over my body. Heat rushes into my face and once again, for the millionth time, I crumble and fall apart. It was only a dream.