Hello, it's me Infertility! I'm back!
With the birth of my son Caleb, I thought that infertility would be over for me. Little did I realize is that it would once again rear its ugly head the moment we decide to try for our final baby. We found out yesterday that our donor will no longer be able to help us due to increasing threats from the US government in regards to private sperm donation. I'm not going to get into my anger with our government for infringing on my own personal choice of how I decide to build my family. Right now I am needing to write in hopes that it will help me process my feelings with this. My heart hurts for our donor who might possibly be facing prosecution for giving people the precious gift of life and my heart has been shattered knowing that I may never get to experience a live birth for the 2nd time. I'm angry that I am being accused of being ungrateful for what I have. I have stated this over and over on FB and on my blog I AM NOT UNGRATEFUL FOR MY TWO CHILDREN AND ALL THAT I HAVE! I LOVE my children! I thank God EVERY day for them!
Those that have been through infertility I know can relate to my conflicted feelings with this situation. In the now 8 years we have experienced infertility it has always been those that are freely able to have their own children that are the most judgmental and that tell me I need to be grateful for what I have. I don't know how to make you understand it's NOT about being ungrateful! It's about being able to willfully full fill a God given command to conceive a child on your own terms privately in your own home between you and your husband only. It's about seeing your husband feel less of a man because of male factor infertility. It's about seeing your husband fall apart on the inside because he feels like it's all his fault and that you would be better off with out him. It's about having a family! What is so wrong with have several children? Since when is having more children considered selfish and ungrateful especially when you can afford children and provide a loving Godly home? It's not like we're wanting more money, houses, or other material things! This is not a material thing we are pinning after. This is a God given desire the Lord has continuously given us through out the years. I have BEGGED God to take this desire away if it wasn't from Him. But you know what? He doesn't take it away. With each blow we receive from infertility it makes our desire even stronger. Which tells me that our desire to have another baby is from Him. Which I know, that since it's from Him He will full fill it. I don't know when and I don't know how. It's the uncertainty, the fear, and the 'how long will it take' of it all that is also so devastating. It's that "What drugs am I going to have to take?", "Will my veins be able to handle more injections?", "Will I loose more babies?", Will this hurt physically and emotionally again?", "Will I be able to keep my sanity?", "How are we going to pay for this?", "Will Jonah ever stop asking us for more babies?", "Will we ever heal from this?!"
How would you feel if all your life all you ever wanted was to get married and have children, then you get to that point and it's not an option for you? How would you feel if you had a complicated adoption, lost two babies, finally delivered and still desired to have more and then you can't have more? Then in the middle of your pain you have some one tell you "Well, you just need to be grateful for what you have?" This phrase is a HUGE no no to say to someone who has experienced infertility. Until you have walked in my shoes please do not say that to me. At this point, Josh and I need prayers. We need support. We need to be surrounded with love. We need our friends and family to rally around us and say "It's going to be OK. You will get through this."
I know that no one knows what the outcome will be of this. All we are asking is for prayers and support. We know that most will never understand. We don't expect you to. We just expect that if you decide to be a part of our lives, that you will pray with us and be supportive. Often times in situations such as these there are no words to say. Speaking for experience, a hug and a prayer can go a long way. In a simple hug with no words it speaks volumes. It communicates I know you're hurting and I'm here for you. I know for me that's all I need at times.
I don't mean for this post to come off harsh or in your face. Remember, I am hurting. Be patient with me. This journey is going to be hard. It will be littered with heart ache and pain. I know that some may not be able to stand with us through this. This will be a scarey dark place, BUT Jesus will be there the whole way no matter how long it takes lighting the way until we make it to the finish line once again.
This time around Josh and I have promised each other that we will not yell at each other, fight over this, or leave each other. This time we will support and comfort one another in our grief. We will cry together, laugh together, pray together, and go through hospital procedures one again together. We will hold our children even tighter when a failed cycle comes. We will fall to our knees and raise our hands to our healer when we fall apart over and over again. We will daily work to fight our feelings of fear and anger with the Lord. I can't say that we wont fail. I'm sure we will fail, but God is a BIG God. He will welcome us back every time we fall and help us stand to try again.
Those that have been through infertility I know can relate to my conflicted feelings with this situation. In the now 8 years we have experienced infertility it has always been those that are freely able to have their own children that are the most judgmental and that tell me I need to be grateful for what I have. I don't know how to make you understand it's NOT about being ungrateful! It's about being able to willfully full fill a God given command to conceive a child on your own terms privately in your own home between you and your husband only. It's about seeing your husband feel less of a man because of male factor infertility. It's about seeing your husband fall apart on the inside because he feels like it's all his fault and that you would be better off with out him. It's about having a family! What is so wrong with have several children? Since when is having more children considered selfish and ungrateful especially when you can afford children and provide a loving Godly home? It's not like we're wanting more money, houses, or other material things! This is not a material thing we are pinning after. This is a God given desire the Lord has continuously given us through out the years. I have BEGGED God to take this desire away if it wasn't from Him. But you know what? He doesn't take it away. With each blow we receive from infertility it makes our desire even stronger. Which tells me that our desire to have another baby is from Him. Which I know, that since it's from Him He will full fill it. I don't know when and I don't know how. It's the uncertainty, the fear, and the 'how long will it take' of it all that is also so devastating. It's that "What drugs am I going to have to take?", "Will my veins be able to handle more injections?", "Will I loose more babies?", Will this hurt physically and emotionally again?", "Will I be able to keep my sanity?", "How are we going to pay for this?", "Will Jonah ever stop asking us for more babies?", "Will we ever heal from this?!"
How would you feel if all your life all you ever wanted was to get married and have children, then you get to that point and it's not an option for you? How would you feel if you had a complicated adoption, lost two babies, finally delivered and still desired to have more and then you can't have more? Then in the middle of your pain you have some one tell you "Well, you just need to be grateful for what you have?" This phrase is a HUGE no no to say to someone who has experienced infertility. Until you have walked in my shoes please do not say that to me. At this point, Josh and I need prayers. We need support. We need to be surrounded with love. We need our friends and family to rally around us and say "It's going to be OK. You will get through this."
I know that no one knows what the outcome will be of this. All we are asking is for prayers and support. We know that most will never understand. We don't expect you to. We just expect that if you decide to be a part of our lives, that you will pray with us and be supportive. Often times in situations such as these there are no words to say. Speaking for experience, a hug and a prayer can go a long way. In a simple hug with no words it speaks volumes. It communicates I know you're hurting and I'm here for you. I know for me that's all I need at times.
I don't mean for this post to come off harsh or in your face. Remember, I am hurting. Be patient with me. This journey is going to be hard. It will be littered with heart ache and pain. I know that some may not be able to stand with us through this. This will be a scarey dark place, BUT Jesus will be there the whole way no matter how long it takes lighting the way until we make it to the finish line once again.
This time around Josh and I have promised each other that we will not yell at each other, fight over this, or leave each other. This time we will support and comfort one another in our grief. We will cry together, laugh together, pray together, and go through hospital procedures one again together. We will hold our children even tighter when a failed cycle comes. We will fall to our knees and raise our hands to our healer when we fall apart over and over again. We will daily work to fight our feelings of fear and anger with the Lord. I can't say that we wont fail. I'm sure we will fail, but God is a BIG God. He will welcome us back every time we fall and help us stand to try again.
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