I want what I Can't Have
I always want what I can't have.....
I've really been struggling with infertility over the last few days. I don't know why. I have two children. I assume it's feelings I have that are still lingering from our 7 year battle with it. It also didn't help that my husband was not hired in the career job he had been trying to get over the last 6 months. This job was supposed to free us in all sorts of areas in our life. It was supposed to provide us with health care so I would be able to stay home and still be comfortable financially so we could have another baby. I'm sure a lot of people are looking at me right now thinking I'm a spoiled brat. After all, life is very good for us. Two kids, we own our own home in the country, new car, we can financially take care of our family and still have extras at times. What people don't see or remember is that it's more than just money or being happy with the two kids we have. It's about being burdened with something that wont come easy. It's about lingering pain from years of infertility and pregnancy loss. It's about watching my husband get beat down over and over by the unfairness that attacks his life constantly.
Many can just have a child when ever they decide. We can't. It takes time, preparation mentally and physically, money, prayer, and hope that we don't loose more babies. That fear of loosing another baby is always with me. It stays with me because the pain of loosing two babies is still with me even after 4 years have passed. I still grieve them. I look at my son Caleb and I think of what they could have been. Would they have had eyes like his? Would they have been chunky like him? Would they have laughed like him? Would they smell like him? I'm sure some will think of me as being ungrateful for what I have because today I am grieving the children I don't have. But those that think that, have not been in my shoes. They're still my babies. They're Jonah and Caleb's siblings. They're my parents grandchildren. They're real like you and I. They're waiting in Heaven for me.
Because of the loss I have experienced, thinking of the possibility of not being able to have a 3rd (birth a 2nd child) child because of a job is devastating for me. For 8 years now there has ALWAYS been something in the way of having kids. First my poor husband couldn't have children, then money stopped us, new meds came out (they didn't work), then I kept loosing babies, more new meds that didn't work, then money stopped us again, then we FINALLY found our donor who has been a God send! Now a stupid career job to provide us with health insurance so I can quit is once again going to be a stumbling block in the way of having another child. I will not proceed to try for a 3rd child until either we can afford daycare for 3 kids or I can stay home with them. I will not be one of those people that keeps having kids I can't afford and sucks the system dry. I don't want my children to suffer. I want to give them a great childhood like I had growing up.
I'm sure this post is probably a downer. Sorry about that. I'm working through a lot of feelings right now. This is my only outlet. I don't want to overburden my husband and loved ones with this so you lucky readers get to put up with my sour mood today. Forgive me. Tomorrow, hopefully, will be a better day.
I've really been struggling with infertility over the last few days. I don't know why. I have two children. I assume it's feelings I have that are still lingering from our 7 year battle with it. It also didn't help that my husband was not hired in the career job he had been trying to get over the last 6 months. This job was supposed to free us in all sorts of areas in our life. It was supposed to provide us with health care so I would be able to stay home and still be comfortable financially so we could have another baby. I'm sure a lot of people are looking at me right now thinking I'm a spoiled brat. After all, life is very good for us. Two kids, we own our own home in the country, new car, we can financially take care of our family and still have extras at times. What people don't see or remember is that it's more than just money or being happy with the two kids we have. It's about being burdened with something that wont come easy. It's about lingering pain from years of infertility and pregnancy loss. It's about watching my husband get beat down over and over by the unfairness that attacks his life constantly.
Many can just have a child when ever they decide. We can't. It takes time, preparation mentally and physically, money, prayer, and hope that we don't loose more babies. That fear of loosing another baby is always with me. It stays with me because the pain of loosing two babies is still with me even after 4 years have passed. I still grieve them. I look at my son Caleb and I think of what they could have been. Would they have had eyes like his? Would they have been chunky like him? Would they have laughed like him? Would they smell like him? I'm sure some will think of me as being ungrateful for what I have because today I am grieving the children I don't have. But those that think that, have not been in my shoes. They're still my babies. They're Jonah and Caleb's siblings. They're my parents grandchildren. They're real like you and I. They're waiting in Heaven for me.
Because of the loss I have experienced, thinking of the possibility of not being able to have a 3rd (birth a 2nd child) child because of a job is devastating for me. For 8 years now there has ALWAYS been something in the way of having kids. First my poor husband couldn't have children, then money stopped us, new meds came out (they didn't work), then I kept loosing babies, more new meds that didn't work, then money stopped us again, then we FINALLY found our donor who has been a God send! Now a stupid career job to provide us with health insurance so I can quit is once again going to be a stumbling block in the way of having another child. I will not proceed to try for a 3rd child until either we can afford daycare for 3 kids or I can stay home with them. I will not be one of those people that keeps having kids I can't afford and sucks the system dry. I don't want my children to suffer. I want to give them a great childhood like I had growing up.
I'm sure this post is probably a downer. Sorry about that. I'm working through a lot of feelings right now. This is my only outlet. I don't want to overburden my husband and loved ones with this so you lucky readers get to put up with my sour mood today. Forgive me. Tomorrow, hopefully, will be a better day.
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