Our infertility roller coaster continues……
After our last shot at fertility treatments ended in disaster last spring, we have been given new hope. We are taking a new and different approach with our now 9th attempt at seeking treatment and going on almost 7 years of trying. After our last attempt, we walked away thinking there would be no more tries at IUI due to finances. Not to mention, IVF would forever be out of reach because come on, who has $15,000+ sitting in their back pocket for one round of IVF? We were devastated yet again with the realization that this time, it would be money holding us back from achieving our dream of birthing one child and then months later we would realize that a 2nd private adoption would be out of our reach as well due to, once again, finances.
When you reach rock bottom for the billionth time in your quest to have a family the only person left to keep you from drowning in a sea of heartache, is God. If God wanted us to have another child He either needed to provide the money needed for another private adoption or bless us with the miracle of conceiving and birthing a child. I spent months trying to convince myself that God was going to do the impossible of allowing us to conceive. At least that’s how my human mind was day dreaming it would go. I pictured it being easy and safe. It seems simple enough for God to do, right? He could do it in a moment if He wanted to. After all, He did it for Hannah, Sarah, Rachael, and countless others. But was that type of miracle in His plan for my journey? I’m learning that God’s ways are not simple and His purpose for our lives is different for each individual. He uses difficult situations so that we grip His hand to solely depend on Him. This brings us closer to Him and helps us to walk in His presence. Through out this journey I have found myself in places were I have had to solely depend on God, but more so now than ever before.
In the past there was always some new treatment, new drug, overtime to work to get more money, some anonymous donation to help pay for what we needed, adoption to consider, and so on. This year we came to a point were there were no more drugs to try, no more treatments that we could afford, and adoption was now too expensive. We found ourselves financial drained from fertility treatments and the cost of our son’s adoption (which was worth every penny I would like to add). I started questioning; maybe my desire to have another child was purely selfish and self-motivated? Maybe my desire wasn’t from God and was just something I was holding on to. I began fervently praying for the Lord to remove this desire from my heart if it wasn’t from Him. I didn’t want to live my life clinging to something that was keeping me from experiencing the joys that God had for my life. I went months battling with this and praying to no avail. Until I turned to this devotional in the book, “Jesus Calling.”
Your needs and my riches are a perfect fit. I never meant for you to be self-sufficient. Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread but also for fulfillment of deep yearnings. I carefully crafted your longings and feelings of incompleteness, to point to Me. Therefore, do not try to burry or deny these feelings. Beware of trying to pacify these longings with lesser gods: people, possessions, power.
Come to Me in all your neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed. As you spend time in My Presence, your deepest longings are fulfilled. Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me.
Jesus Callnig, by Sarah Young
With these two paragraphs, a whole slue of my prayers were answered. My deepest longing to birth a child is from God. He does not want me to deny or burry that longing. He has used this desire to teach me to only depend on Him and to keep me walking in His presence. My longing to have a child will forever point me to Him. I don’t know if this new treatment will work, but my chances are greater than they have ever been before. If it doesn’t work, this will be just another stepping stone to bring me to where God wants me to be. I will continue to journey on through each day with my hands open heaven ward ready to receive His blessings and ready for him to fulfill my deepest longings. I know that those longings may not be fulfilled how I envision them, but God has promised me that He will fulfill me and I know His plan for this longing will be better than anything I have ever dreamed of.
When you reach rock bottom for the billionth time in your quest to have a family the only person left to keep you from drowning in a sea of heartache, is God. If God wanted us to have another child He either needed to provide the money needed for another private adoption or bless us with the miracle of conceiving and birthing a child. I spent months trying to convince myself that God was going to do the impossible of allowing us to conceive. At least that’s how my human mind was day dreaming it would go. I pictured it being easy and safe. It seems simple enough for God to do, right? He could do it in a moment if He wanted to. After all, He did it for Hannah, Sarah, Rachael, and countless others. But was that type of miracle in His plan for my journey? I’m learning that God’s ways are not simple and His purpose for our lives is different for each individual. He uses difficult situations so that we grip His hand to solely depend on Him. This brings us closer to Him and helps us to walk in His presence. Through out this journey I have found myself in places were I have had to solely depend on God, but more so now than ever before.
In the past there was always some new treatment, new drug, overtime to work to get more money, some anonymous donation to help pay for what we needed, adoption to consider, and so on. This year we came to a point were there were no more drugs to try, no more treatments that we could afford, and adoption was now too expensive. We found ourselves financial drained from fertility treatments and the cost of our son’s adoption (which was worth every penny I would like to add). I started questioning; maybe my desire to have another child was purely selfish and self-motivated? Maybe my desire wasn’t from God and was just something I was holding on to. I began fervently praying for the Lord to remove this desire from my heart if it wasn’t from Him. I didn’t want to live my life clinging to something that was keeping me from experiencing the joys that God had for my life. I went months battling with this and praying to no avail. Until I turned to this devotional in the book, “Jesus Calling.”
Your needs and my riches are a perfect fit. I never meant for you to be self-sufficient. Instead, I designed you to need Me not only for daily bread but also for fulfillment of deep yearnings. I carefully crafted your longings and feelings of incompleteness, to point to Me. Therefore, do not try to burry or deny these feelings. Beware of trying to pacify these longings with lesser gods: people, possessions, power.
Come to Me in all your neediness, with defenses down and with desire to be blessed. As you spend time in My Presence, your deepest longings are fulfilled. Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me.
Jesus Callnig, by Sarah Young
With these two paragraphs, a whole slue of my prayers were answered. My deepest longing to birth a child is from God. He does not want me to deny or burry that longing. He has used this desire to teach me to only depend on Him and to keep me walking in His presence. My longing to have a child will forever point me to Him. I don’t know if this new treatment will work, but my chances are greater than they have ever been before. If it doesn’t work, this will be just another stepping stone to bring me to where God wants me to be. I will continue to journey on through each day with my hands open heaven ward ready to receive His blessings and ready for him to fulfill my deepest longings. I know that those longings may not be fulfilled how I envision them, but God has promised me that He will fulfill me and I know His plan for this longing will be better than anything I have ever dreamed of.
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