Forever Halfway Pregnant

At the start of every woman’s cycle is the beginning of pregnancy. The body begins to prepare to give life. I like to think of this beginning as being half way pregnant. After all, once a woman achieves the blessing of conceiving, the gestational age is measured from the first day of her cycle. After many years of trying, I feel that I will forever be halfway pregnant; never moving forward to the next stage to bare life.

Our journey of infertility and adoption has been full of ups and downs. One month you’re told it’s not possible. The next month it’s now possible. The month after that you’re back to it not being possible and the cycle continues. Sometimes I feel as if I have been a fool with all of this. People will ask me the latest news on our journey and I’ll proudly say “Yes, it’s possible, It should be anytime now”, only to be disappointed a few weeks later. Some people don’t understand why we would still pursue having a child when we have adopted our son, Jonah. They think I am ungrateful and do not appreciate what I have. This is something that someone who has never had difficulty baring their own child, felt the pain of miscarriage, or dealt with the complications of adoption, will never be able to understand. My appreciation for my son goes beyond words that I can express. Trying to make someone understand this is like trying to make pigs fly. It’s not possible to begin to comprehend unless you’ve been there.

This cycle started out full of high hopes and anticipation. We were told that everything was a go. When I got my positive result for ovulation Tuesday night, I quickly called the IUI line to get us on the schedule for the fallowing morning. Upon arriving to our appt we were greeted with some devastating news. Josh no longer qualified for IUI due to his new test results. I was absolutely stunned! It didn’t make sense. How can this fluctuate so much from month to month? My heart grieves so much for my husband. I wish I could heal him. We are back to square one. Ivf with ICSI ($15,000+), adoption (10,000+), or the procedure I will leave unnamed for now ($2000+). All of these bring journeys of heartache and required expenses that are currently out of our reach.

I feel that in the desperate pursuit of my hearts desire I have caused myself to wonder in the wilderness. I’m left bewildered and confused. Where do we go from here? I know that God has a plan for our lives and I know that children are in that plan. I have known that from day one. How those children will come, I don’t have the faintest idea. Currently, it all seems so impossible when I see the mountains of money it all could potentially cost along with some tough hoops to jump through, but with God all things are possible. Even though I sit here with a broken confused heart, I’m looking forward to seeing how God will work all this out in the next leg of our race.

There have been 72 cycles since we first started trying. Over $30,000 in infertility/adoption expenses in the last almost 6 years. There have been many tears cried, many prayers prayed and answered. I have seen the hand of God turn the impossible possible. I have seen Him pour down blessings and miracles into my life. I have felt Him hold my hand every step of the way. I have heard Him whisper to my heart that it’s going to be ok. He has forever filled my life with Joy through my son, Jonah.

It’s time to sit back, take a break, and really seek out exactly where God wants us to go next. It’s time to seek peace for my wrestles heart. I am tired and am ready to receive His peace. It’s time to heal what is able to be healed and take rest in my Savior. This is now our time to be still and listen.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Thank you to all of you that have supported us and continued to stand by us during the ups and downs. Josh and I are blessed beyond measure to have each one of you in our lives. Please continue to bare with us as we continue on this journey.