newdawn014

*Picture of Lamenin

"It must be in the water"

When several people end up pregnant all with in the same amount of time, people always say "It's in the water"! Well, It's been 5 years and 12 days since we started trying and let me tell you.. It's NOT in the water for me! I think there are so many people drinking from that water that by the time it gets to me there's nothing left! LOL!!

Satan's a JERK.......

This week as been a hard week. It started with Sunday morning. As soon as I took 5 steps into the church some very good friends of mine told me they just found out they're pregnant. It caught me off guard. I have no idea what my face looked like when my brain started to process what they were saying, but I can only hope that I hid the pain. I didn't understand why all of the sudden this was hurting again. For goodness gracious, I was holding Jonah in my arms! I had no reason to be upset! What is wrong with me? Why is this hurting when I have been blessed! Why has this old feeling come back to haunt me? Within seconds I put the "I'm so happy for you" smile on my face and congratulated them. Mean while I felt a little piece of me die yet again. You'd think that after this happening so many times there wouldn't be anything left of me, but God is there holding me together with LAMENIN!! Lamenin is the glue that holds everything on your body. No joke, if you take a look at it, it looks like a cross! But that's a whole other story. Google Louie Giglio's video on Lamenin. It will change your life! I guarantee it! Well anyways, I was able to hold my composure with the Lord's help and push it out of my mind for the time being. I went about the rest of my day enjoying my family and friends. Then later that night at evening services I thought I had over heard something about a friend of mine that had been going through years of infertility telling someone she was pregnant. I thought to myself "I'm just hearing things". Sometimes my imagination will run wild!! LOL! After church we went out to dinner with some really close friends of ours (they are also pregnant). Thankfully God has given me the strength to NOT let it hurt me that they're pregnant. Well, we were talking and I turned to my friend and asked her "Is so in so pregnant" (can't say the name b/c they have not announced it yet)? She said "Yes". In an instant the room starting to spin. I could feel the heat coming into my cheeks. I felt like a ton of bricks had been dumped on me! If I was the type of person to faint I would have passed out cold on the floor! It wasn't b/c I was not happy for them. I really was! Anyone that goes through years of infertility deserves to have their prayer answered. What hurt so much was that I felt like I had been passed by! I had this picture in my head of all these women standing in line waiting for God to hand them their long awaited child. I could see the line dwindle as these women's belly's grew until I was the only one standing there. Then I see God turn his back and walk away. Now, I know God is not like that! This was my moment of weakness when Satan began to really attack! Everything that came out of my friends mouth after that I did not hear. All, I heard was "You'll never get pregnant. God's going to give it to everyone else except for you". Satan is such a jerk!!! He just can't leave me be for one second! After a few minutes of struggling to keep my composure, I quickly got up and gave the excuse that I needed to pee. Once again I found my self in a public restroom silently balling my eyes out.

For those that don't know this is the 3rd baby boom I have had to endure since we started trying. Yes, there has been those occasional people in between, but this is the 3rd explosion of babies! I kept thinking "How in the world am I going to survive this yet again?" You know, God is such a loving God and is always there! In the midst of all this, while standing in the bathroom stall trying to keep my tears from ruining my make up, I heard "Now is the time to make the choice on how you're going to handle this". Am I going to sink into that dark place again or am I going to let God jump in the driver seat of my life and take me where he wants me to go without me kicking and screaming along the way? My mind was filled with....

"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:29-31

At the same time God also filled my mind with "Faith is believing I can and Hope is knowing I will"! At that moment I made the choice that I would not go to that dark place! This time I am going to handle it different! It is still ok to be sad. It's still ok to cry. It's still ok to ask people to pray for us. It's still ok to make my burdens known. In God's word (I can't remember where), but it says we need to confess our burdens to each other and help one another carry them.

You would think after all this, that the pregnancy stuff would stop there to at least give me a break to catch my breath. Well, It didn't.... Since Sunday night I have come to find out two more friends are expecting. So that has led me to write today. I'm in that place again where I have to make the choice on how to handle it. Please pray for me. I really want to do this right and I don't want to sound ungrateful for the blessing of Jonah. He really is my joy and I thank the Lord every day for him! I look forward to the day where I wont be sad when I hear that some one is expecting. I'm really looking forward to the day where the end of my cycle will not phase me! As I write this I am already starting to feel better. This allows me to really think about all the possibilities and helps me open up to receive what God wants to tell me.

While I've been writing this Katie's mom (our birth mother/my friend) sent me this through a message. God used her to give me a little reminder....

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight". Proverbs 3:5

So for now I have shed my tears for the day. I'm kicking Satan to the curb yet again and grabbing tight to God's hand. I can hear him saying "Are you ready for the ride? It's going to be a crazy one, but I've got the wheel." "Do you trust me" ?

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings in my life. Help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility. I pray that I can surrender myself into your hands. Let me accept the reality of this situation and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can. Strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of others and grant us your peace. Amen.

-Author unknown