The Road Less Traveled
If you had asked in the very beginning of our adoption process if I was ok with open adoption, I would have said no. Over the last few years of going through so much heart ache and pain from infertility and loosing my two babies, the Lord has really been working to change my heart on several things. One of those things was open adoption. Now I'm not saying that this is right for everyone. That is between you and the Lord. This has been a long journey for me to get where I am today. In the beginning I didn't want to do this. At first, it was something that I had unwillingly agreed to because I so desperately wanted to have a family. When you get to the point of desperation after so many trails and tribulations, you come to the point where you'll do almost anything, with in moral standards of course, to end your heart ache. Even though it was something we didn't want to do, I knew without a doubt that it was something the Lord wanted us to do. It was so hard to watch another women bare a child for me. I kept thinking that It should have been me there in that bed! In out first meeting with our birth mother I felt like my heart was going to shatter into a million pieces again. It was the first time I was having to be face to face with someone that had what I so desperately wanted with out being able to run away and hide. Fortunately, the Lord blessed Josh and I with our birth mother being a child of God and with being so gracious and self sacrificing! Even though it hurt to see a pregnant women in front of me, I was so relieved that she was going to play a part in God's plan of full filling our desire to have a family.
After Jonah was born the open adoption began to get even harder for me. Satan would attack and fill my mind with thoughts of "When he turns 18 he wont want you any more b/c you're not blood", "You'll never have the connection that your birth mother has with him" and so much more. I used to lie awake at night in tears b/c I was so afraid that this little infant would leave me the first chance he got. I used to hold him tight and just cry wishing I could somehow make him absorb my DNA so he wouldn't leave me. In most adoptions children are given up due to an unfit parent. So it can make it easier of not fearing that the child will leave. In our case we were BLESSED with our birth mother and her family being God fearing, dedicated Christians! I think that's what scared me the most. They reminded me so much of my family and I kept thinking that since they're so much like my family how could he not want to have a relationship with them. Josh and I loved them from the start!
Some adoptive parents struggle with bonding due to the child not being blood. That was not the case with us and our family. The first time I layed eyes on him I did not see him as adopted and neither did Josh and our family. We all saw him as our own! This was the child that the Lord had made for us. This is my son.
When we first got the email to have our first meeting with our birth mother since Jonah's birth, I freaked out! I didn't know how it was going to go or how it would make me feel to see the son that I saw as my own in the arms of his biological family. It's not that I didn't like them. I loved them and half of me was really looking forward to seeing them. I just had been through so much and wanted to be the only mommy to my only living son. I kept thinking I have two dead babies and may not ever be able to have my own children while Katie will always be able to get pregnant and be the only mommy. I guess you could say I had a very selfish attitude. I was so jealous that she had what I may not ever have. Josh on the other hand is so easy going that it didn't bother him at all. Sometimes I wish I could be more like him when it comes to stuff like this. As the days began to pass and the meeting drew near I was so nervous that I couldn't eat. I guess you could say it was the fear of the unknown. I started praying really hard that if God wanted us to keep them apart of our lives to change my heart and help me overcome the pain of not being able to bare my own child. When they day finally came I was terrified! Josh and I were sitting out on the bench in front of Olive Garden just staring at Jonah. He was completely ok. I, on the other hand, was trying so hard to hold back the tears. When our birth mother and her mother walked up all my feelings of uncertainty and jealousy subsided. I was filled with happiness when I saw them. It turned into a dinner with good friends! Needless to say Josh and I had a blast that night! I didn't hurt at all like I had expected it to. Josh and I walked away from that meeting thinking this might be possible. I went from not wanting an open adoption to sitting on the fence. Maybe... Maybe not.... Maybe.... Maybe not...
In the midst of all this going on I had a falling out with a close friend. I was deeply hurt by this friend and found myself praying again for the Lord to send me a good close friend that would last a life time. Well, ask and you shall receive! Not only did the Lord bless me with this desire insanely fast, but he doubled it!I wound up finding a good close friendship in a long time friend named Jamie and some one that I would least expect, our birth mother! Not only was this prayer answered, but it also intertwined with the open adoption. The Lord allowed me to have a falling out with a friend in order to change my heart even more towards the open adoption. I was blessed with being able to see one of my all time fav movies "Eclipse" from the twilight saga, with Jamie and my new found friend Katie. That night wound up being one of the best nights of my life! That was the night that I no longer saw her as our birth mother. I saw her as my friend! It's amazing how God works! God turned both Katie and I's pain into something beautiful! A life long friendship! If Katie had not gotten pregnant and if Josh and I had not of gone through infertility, I never would have gotten Jamie as a close friend and I never would have gotten Katie as a close friend either. This all reminds me of the verse, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", Jeremiah 29:11. From the very beginning God's plan was not to harm Josh and I. It was to give us a hope and a future! Not only were we blessed with a son, but we were blessed with more extended family and two new close friends, Jamie and Katie. I am so excited to see what God has in store for all of us!
So I guess you could say I am no longer sitting on the fence with this open adoption. For Josh, Katie, Jonah, and I it is the plan God has for us. And it is the most beautiful plan that I have ever seen for my life.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for your precious gift of Jonah and for my wonderful husband. Thank you for the new found friendships that you have given me in Jamie and Katie. Thank you for changing my heart so I can live out your beautiful plan for my life! Please continue to heal my heart of the pain of loosing my children and give me the indurance and strength I need to make it to the finish line when you bless me with a pregnancy that will make it. I love you Lord! Amen
"Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me". Psalm 51:10
After Jonah was born the open adoption began to get even harder for me. Satan would attack and fill my mind with thoughts of "When he turns 18 he wont want you any more b/c you're not blood", "You'll never have the connection that your birth mother has with him" and so much more. I used to lie awake at night in tears b/c I was so afraid that this little infant would leave me the first chance he got. I used to hold him tight and just cry wishing I could somehow make him absorb my DNA so he wouldn't leave me. In most adoptions children are given up due to an unfit parent. So it can make it easier of not fearing that the child will leave. In our case we were BLESSED with our birth mother and her family being God fearing, dedicated Christians! I think that's what scared me the most. They reminded me so much of my family and I kept thinking that since they're so much like my family how could he not want to have a relationship with them. Josh and I loved them from the start!
Some adoptive parents struggle with bonding due to the child not being blood. That was not the case with us and our family. The first time I layed eyes on him I did not see him as adopted and neither did Josh and our family. We all saw him as our own! This was the child that the Lord had made for us. This is my son.
When we first got the email to have our first meeting with our birth mother since Jonah's birth, I freaked out! I didn't know how it was going to go or how it would make me feel to see the son that I saw as my own in the arms of his biological family. It's not that I didn't like them. I loved them and half of me was really looking forward to seeing them. I just had been through so much and wanted to be the only mommy to my only living son. I kept thinking I have two dead babies and may not ever be able to have my own children while Katie will always be able to get pregnant and be the only mommy. I guess you could say I had a very selfish attitude. I was so jealous that she had what I may not ever have. Josh on the other hand is so easy going that it didn't bother him at all. Sometimes I wish I could be more like him when it comes to stuff like this. As the days began to pass and the meeting drew near I was so nervous that I couldn't eat. I guess you could say it was the fear of the unknown. I started praying really hard that if God wanted us to keep them apart of our lives to change my heart and help me overcome the pain of not being able to bare my own child. When they day finally came I was terrified! Josh and I were sitting out on the bench in front of Olive Garden just staring at Jonah. He was completely ok. I, on the other hand, was trying so hard to hold back the tears. When our birth mother and her mother walked up all my feelings of uncertainty and jealousy subsided. I was filled with happiness when I saw them. It turned into a dinner with good friends! Needless to say Josh and I had a blast that night! I didn't hurt at all like I had expected it to. Josh and I walked away from that meeting thinking this might be possible. I went from not wanting an open adoption to sitting on the fence. Maybe... Maybe not.... Maybe.... Maybe not...
In the midst of all this going on I had a falling out with a close friend. I was deeply hurt by this friend and found myself praying again for the Lord to send me a good close friend that would last a life time. Well, ask and you shall receive! Not only did the Lord bless me with this desire insanely fast, but he doubled it!I wound up finding a good close friendship in a long time friend named Jamie and some one that I would least expect, our birth mother! Not only was this prayer answered, but it also intertwined with the open adoption. The Lord allowed me to have a falling out with a friend in order to change my heart even more towards the open adoption. I was blessed with being able to see one of my all time fav movies "Eclipse" from the twilight saga, with Jamie and my new found friend Katie. That night wound up being one of the best nights of my life! That was the night that I no longer saw her as our birth mother. I saw her as my friend! It's amazing how God works! God turned both Katie and I's pain into something beautiful! A life long friendship! If Katie had not gotten pregnant and if Josh and I had not of gone through infertility, I never would have gotten Jamie as a close friend and I never would have gotten Katie as a close friend either. This all reminds me of the verse, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", Jeremiah 29:11. From the very beginning God's plan was not to harm Josh and I. It was to give us a hope and a future! Not only were we blessed with a son, but we were blessed with more extended family and two new close friends, Jamie and Katie. I am so excited to see what God has in store for all of us!
So I guess you could say I am no longer sitting on the fence with this open adoption. For Josh, Katie, Jonah, and I it is the plan God has for us. And it is the most beautiful plan that I have ever seen for my life.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for your precious gift of Jonah and for my wonderful husband. Thank you for the new found friendships that you have given me in Jamie and Katie. Thank you for changing my heart so I can live out your beautiful plan for my life! Please continue to heal my heart of the pain of loosing my children and give me the indurance and strength I need to make it to the finish line when you bless me with a pregnancy that will make it. I love you Lord! Amen
"Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me". Psalm 51:10
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