I must vent today......
I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love it because it helps me keep in contact with family and friends that live far away, but then I hate it because people missunderstand things. I don't know why I even post things about infertility or how infertility makes me feel on Facebook anymore. I'm so tired of people thinking I'm ungrateful for my son and then try to tell me how blessed I am. I know I am blessed. I am overflowingly blessed. Just because I'm having a hard day doesn't mean I don't think I'm blessed. As of right now, I have everything I have ever wanted except for birthing a child. I would gladly give up my wordly possesions I have been blessed with to birth a child. The desire I have to birth a child has come from God. This is not some selfish desire I refuse to let God take away from me. God has comanded us to be fruitful and multipy. I don't know why God has not made it happen yet, but I do know that this desire I have is from the Lord.
There are never enough words/right words to begin describing to anyone how much I love my son and how insanely greatful I am to have him in my life. Since we brought Jonah home I have been torn between two worlds; the mommy world and the infertility/misscarraige world. Having Jonah has healed a lot of wounds and has taken a lot of pain away, but it hasen't healed/taken away all of it. You wont be able to understand this unless you have been through both infertility, misscarraige, and adoption. I grieve for my babies that I lost. I grieve for the child I may never get to birth. I grieve for my husband in not being able to have kids. I grieve for how this tares up my parents and grandparents. I grieve because I did not get to birth my son Jonah. I grieve because one day I will have to explain to my son why he was placed for adoption. I can only hope and pray that God gives me the wisdom and a way to protect him from the pain of being placed for adoption and from the pain that his parents are going through and are still continuing to go through due to infertility.
Josh and I did not choose this road we have been traveling down for almost 7 years now. Part of me wishes that we didn't have to go through it, but then the other part of me is so glad we did because we have our son. I can not fathom my life with out Jonah. He is my everything. With this being said, infertility is still HARD! It's not just about not being able to have a baby. It affects every aspect of our lives weather we want it to or not. It affects our finances, our marriage, our family and friends, our church life, our relationship with God, and so much more. This is the journey God has chosen for our lives. People keep telling me not to focus on it and just focus on everything else. Well, this is what God has for our lives. Infertility is so intertwind with every aspect of our lives that I can't just pretend it's not there. God doesn't want that. God is using this for His will. I wish I knew what He was doing, but I don't. All I can do is keep trucking forward and pray that God will give the outsiders looking in some compassion. Everyone has their days where they are worn out and just need a good cry. Today is my day for that. I have spent the last 3 days describing every nook and craney of our infertility/adoption journey to a film crew. A lot of burried feelings were brought up after doing this and on top of that, in the middle of filming I started a new cycle. So now I'm also grieving for another failed cycle.
I wish I could somehow make people understand. I guess I'm fighting a loosing battle.
I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love it because it helps me keep in contact with family and friends that live far away, but then I hate it because people missunderstand things. I don't know why I even post things about infertility or how infertility makes me feel on Facebook anymore. I'm so tired of people thinking I'm ungrateful for my son and then try to tell me how blessed I am. I know I am blessed. I am overflowingly blessed. Just because I'm having a hard day doesn't mean I don't think I'm blessed. As of right now, I have everything I have ever wanted except for birthing a child. I would gladly give up my wordly possesions I have been blessed with to birth a child. The desire I have to birth a child has come from God. This is not some selfish desire I refuse to let God take away from me. God has comanded us to be fruitful and multipy. I don't know why God has not made it happen yet, but I do know that this desire I have is from the Lord.
There are never enough words/right words to begin describing to anyone how much I love my son and how insanely greatful I am to have him in my life. Since we brought Jonah home I have been torn between two worlds; the mommy world and the infertility/misscarraige world. Having Jonah has healed a lot of wounds and has taken a lot of pain away, but it hasen't healed/taken away all of it. You wont be able to understand this unless you have been through both infertility, misscarraige, and adoption. I grieve for my babies that I lost. I grieve for the child I may never get to birth. I grieve for my husband in not being able to have kids. I grieve for how this tares up my parents and grandparents. I grieve because I did not get to birth my son Jonah. I grieve because one day I will have to explain to my son why he was placed for adoption. I can only hope and pray that God gives me the wisdom and a way to protect him from the pain of being placed for adoption and from the pain that his parents are going through and are still continuing to go through due to infertility.
Josh and I did not choose this road we have been traveling down for almost 7 years now. Part of me wishes that we didn't have to go through it, but then the other part of me is so glad we did because we have our son. I can not fathom my life with out Jonah. He is my everything. With this being said, infertility is still HARD! It's not just about not being able to have a baby. It affects every aspect of our lives weather we want it to or not. It affects our finances, our marriage, our family and friends, our church life, our relationship with God, and so much more. This is the journey God has chosen for our lives. People keep telling me not to focus on it and just focus on everything else. Well, this is what God has for our lives. Infertility is so intertwind with every aspect of our lives that I can't just pretend it's not there. God doesn't want that. God is using this for His will. I wish I knew what He was doing, but I don't. All I can do is keep trucking forward and pray that God will give the outsiders looking in some compassion. Everyone has their days where they are worn out and just need a good cry. Today is my day for that. I have spent the last 3 days describing every nook and craney of our infertility/adoption journey to a film crew. A lot of burried feelings were brought up after doing this and on top of that, in the middle of filming I started a new cycle. So now I'm also grieving for another failed cycle.
I wish I could somehow make people understand. I guess I'm fighting a loosing battle.
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