When Is Enough, Enough?
I don't know where to begin. I wish I had words of encouragement for you today, but right now, I am fresh out of that. I'm so tried of infertility and I'm sure those that know me are tired of hearing about it. Believe me, I wish I could move onto the next stage so this wont be such a constant, huge, elephant in the room. I wish I knew the secret to staying sain in the midst of years of infertility that other infertility veterans have had for more years than I have been through this. How do they keep from crumbling to pieces each month that their dreams are crushed into tiny smithereens? This has been such a day to day struggle for almost 7 years now and I'm not even to the hardest part of it. The hardest part, for me, will be not loosing the baby in the first trimester. Even though the doctor's have no explanation for why I have lost two babies and say I am completely healthy, the thought of miscarrying terrifies the poop right out of me.
I feel infertility has robbed me of so much. I have lost so many friends and family through out this journey. I assume it's because this burden is too much to bare. I try not to think about it because it's so painful. I don't have enough fingers to count how many friends/family I have lost because of this. Infertility robs you of your pride, self worth, your dreams, finances, sanity, the choice of having a family, your beliefs, everything you thought you were, and so much more. I have never had my relationship with God challenged so much in my entire life.
I lot of people don't like to admit when they're struggling with God. A lot of us like to put on our "happy, I'm so close to God mask". Not too many are willing to admit when they are sinking. I don't know why a lot of us have the perception that if a person is struggling in their life with whatever it may be, that they're not right with God. Many years ago, I was grieving heavily over loosing my 1st baby. That time was a very dark time in my life. Someone I trusted and looked up to told me in so many words that my relationship with God wasn't right because I was grieving too much. I know we're supposed to let things go, but that still hurts till this day. I've tried so hard and for so long to stay strong and now I feel all my strength is just slipping through the cracks of my hands. When is enough, enough? God says He wont give us anymore than we can handle. I feel like I can't handle this any longer, but it's still here. Why? I don't understand. Sometimes I feel as if I'm hanging on by a thread.
I am taking off the mask and now I must admit my struggles. My husband and I feel we are pretty much left alone in this. I know we're taught that God is always with us, but right now I don't really feel Him there. Sometimes I feel that He's too busy blessing others with pregnancies to remember that I'm sinking in a sea of heartbreak. All the things we're taught in church, I now find myself unsure. I KNOW there is a God. I would NEVER EVER deny His existence. I'm struggling deeply with "knowing" that He loves me and that "His plans aren't to harm me". I feel so harmed and unloved right now. I have so many questions in regards to God's promises, but no one to talk with about this. I used to be so sure of everything and now I question everything. Every one's tired of this and no one wants to hear about it anymore. I wish I didn't have to live it anymore.
If I never get pregnant, how do I begin to heal from that? How do I accept not ever carrying a single pregnancy in my life? What was the point of all this if it never happens? How do you move on from this and stay moved on everyday for the rest of your exsistance?
I know God uses trials to mold us into the person He wants us to be. When I think back on all the hardships of infertility, I can't even come close to comprehending what He is trying to mold me into. All I see is brokenness and exhaustion.
Infertility is hard. Even though I feel it has robbed me of so much, on the flipped side it has helped me gain more than I ever could imagine, Jonah. Jonah is my ray of sunshine in the midst of this dark journey.
I feel infertility has robbed me of so much. I have lost so many friends and family through out this journey. I assume it's because this burden is too much to bare. I try not to think about it because it's so painful. I don't have enough fingers to count how many friends/family I have lost because of this. Infertility robs you of your pride, self worth, your dreams, finances, sanity, the choice of having a family, your beliefs, everything you thought you were, and so much more. I have never had my relationship with God challenged so much in my entire life.
I lot of people don't like to admit when they're struggling with God. A lot of us like to put on our "happy, I'm so close to God mask". Not too many are willing to admit when they are sinking. I don't know why a lot of us have the perception that if a person is struggling in their life with whatever it may be, that they're not right with God. Many years ago, I was grieving heavily over loosing my 1st baby. That time was a very dark time in my life. Someone I trusted and looked up to told me in so many words that my relationship with God wasn't right because I was grieving too much. I know we're supposed to let things go, but that still hurts till this day. I've tried so hard and for so long to stay strong and now I feel all my strength is just slipping through the cracks of my hands. When is enough, enough? God says He wont give us anymore than we can handle. I feel like I can't handle this any longer, but it's still here. Why? I don't understand. Sometimes I feel as if I'm hanging on by a thread.
I am taking off the mask and now I must admit my struggles. My husband and I feel we are pretty much left alone in this. I know we're taught that God is always with us, but right now I don't really feel Him there. Sometimes I feel that He's too busy blessing others with pregnancies to remember that I'm sinking in a sea of heartbreak. All the things we're taught in church, I now find myself unsure. I KNOW there is a God. I would NEVER EVER deny His existence. I'm struggling deeply with "knowing" that He loves me and that "His plans aren't to harm me". I feel so harmed and unloved right now. I have so many questions in regards to God's promises, but no one to talk with about this. I used to be so sure of everything and now I question everything. Every one's tired of this and no one wants to hear about it anymore. I wish I didn't have to live it anymore.
If I never get pregnant, how do I begin to heal from that? How do I accept not ever carrying a single pregnancy in my life? What was the point of all this if it never happens? How do you move on from this and stay moved on everyday for the rest of your exsistance?
I know God uses trials to mold us into the person He wants us to be. When I think back on all the hardships of infertility, I can't even come close to comprehending what He is trying to mold me into. All I see is brokenness and exhaustion.
Infertility is hard. Even though I feel it has robbed me of so much, on the flipped side it has helped me gain more than I ever could imagine, Jonah. Jonah is my ray of sunshine in the midst of this dark journey.
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