5 Stages of Grief

The 5 stages of Grief

Denial and Isolation

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

When we were first told back in June of 2007 that we would never be able to have biological children I entered a period of denial. I didn’t know it at the time that I had entered this stage, but looking back now I see it. I was in denial that no matter what the numbers where and no matter what the doctor said it was still going to happen how I had always pictured it. God is the great physician after all. He was going to fix it for me and bless me with exactly how I wanted it. God doesn’t promise us that the road will be easy. He only promises us that we will never walk it alone. Reflecting back on this time in my life, the verse comes to mind of how God will with hold no good thing. This verse is why I was in denial. My version of my own good thing was completely different from God’s version of His good thing. I’m not saying that being able to get pregnant on my own and have a biological baby with my husband isn’t a good thing. In my mind, it was and still is a perfectly good thing, but God had another good thing in mind for us that He was and will not with hold from us. Part of that good thing was the adoption of our son, Jonah.

This denial stage lasted all the way up until my last appt with my infertility doctor this last week. I feel that God used this appt to bring me back to where He wanted me. I’m not saying that God isn’t going to bless us with a biological child. He just wanted to bring me back to the realization that it may or may not happen. Before, I gave no option.

In the midst of my denial I experienced anger for a time. To be honest, I was so angry with God that I wanted nothing to do with him. I yelled at him and pushed Him away. Thankfully this strong anger did not last for too long. I have still experienced anger with God through out this journey, but not to the extent of what I mentioned previously. I became angry with my husband. I’m ashamed to say that in all the anger and rage I was feeling I blamed my husband frequently for our infertility. To this day I feel horrible for even letting those words escape my mouth. It is not his fault in any way for his infertility. During that time, I should have been supporting him and lifting him up instead of tarring him down.

Throughout our 6 years of infertility, I would curl into a ball on the bathroom floor and beg God everyday for hours to give me what I so desperately wanted. I would bargain that I would do whatever He wanted me to do if He would just bless me with a biological child. Who was I to even think that I could bargain with God! I am so thankful that God did not bargain with me. If He had, I may never have been blessed with my son.

Depression is a very well known issue to me. I have struggled with it on and off since high school. Little did I know that it would drag me to rock bottom once infertility hit. After the loss of my first baby, I sank into the darkest place you could ever imagine. I know longer recognized myself. At times, I would find myself begging God to take my life if He wasn’t going to bless me with a child. I just couldn’t imagine living my life with out children. Now, I was NEVER suicidal, so please do not get that impression. The only person that will ever take my life will be the Lord. The sadness of infertility and the loss of my first baby began to consume my life. It was all I could think about. It was through my pain that I kept my baby alive. I didn’t want to let go of my pain because to me the pain was my only reminder that my baby was real.

After the loss of my second baby, was when I started to come out of my depression. I know it’s strange that the death of a second child would help snap me out of it. In a way, it was like God throwing a life line saying “You are not going to survive this unless you cling to me”. I picture it as if I were alone and drowning out in the middle of the ocean. Gasping for air; panicking, struggling to not go under as each wave hits me. Then just as a huge wave threatens to drag me to the bottom, a hand reaches through the heavens and grabs so tightly that I cannot get away from its grasp. In that moment is when I desperately squeeze hold so tight hanging on for dear life. That was the moment that I let God back in.

It was not all peachy from then on. It was still a struggle and my depression was still there. It just wasn’t as bad as it had been before. When the Lord blessed us with the adoption of our son, I was under the impression that as soon as he was placed in my arms, all the pain would somehow magically melt away never to return. I wish I could say this was true. Don’t get me wrong, the blessing of Jonah healed a lot of our pain and had filled our lives with overflowing joy! As with infertility, there is still loss and pain with adoption. The loss I experienced was the loss of being able to birth my child. Even though blood does not connect Jonah and I it is love that binds us. He is my own child just as a biological child would have been. Another loss, that I struggle with daily, is the loss of being the only mommy. I will never be the only mommy in Jonah’s life. This hurts to the core. This hurt was a hurt that I did not expect let alone was ready for. This hurt brings daily fear that this child that I would give me life for and this child who I have permanently given my heart to, may leave me someday because we do not share a biological connection. This loss led me back down the 5 stages of grief. Granted this time I handled it differently and much better than before.

The stages of grief never end. We as humans that experience grief will cycle through these stages at different times through out the rest of our lives. With this last blow that I received from our infertility doctor it has brought me to a place of acknowledgement and acceptance.

1) I acknowledge that I will NEVER be able to accept that having a biological child will never happen. With this being said, I can say that I do accept that having a biological child may or may not happen.

2) I acknowledge that I do not deal well with uncertainty.

3) I now accept that the road of infertility and adoption will always be uncertain.

4) I accept that I have no control over any of this and I cannot make this happen.

5) I accept that this is the path that God has for my life and that it is in God’s hands only. He does not need my help.

6) I accept that despite the heartache that I find on this path, God’s will for my life is always for good and never to harm me.

7) I accept that this road will be painful and full of tribulations, but God will carry me every step of the way.

I must say farewell to a dream that I once had. It was a lovely dream, but it was not God’s dream for me. Now here I am, placing this dream in a box, wrap it up with a beautiful bow, and place it at the feet of Jesus. I walk away never looking or reaching back to take it again. Even though it is disheartening to let go of my desires of a large biologically and adopted family (Adoption has always been a desire of mine even before the infertility), it’s exciting at the same time to know that what God has in store for my life is bigger and better than anything I ever could have imagined! Whatever He has I’m going to enjoy a lot more than carrying a child for 9 months and giving birth to that child. My human mind cannot comprehend how I could possibly love something better than that. But that’s the beauty of God’s plan. He loves us so much that He is going to give us the best of the best even when we can’t comprehend it. He’s going to give us the best of the best even when we fight Him kicking and screaming every step of the way! In all this uncertainty what I do know is that the Lord has promised to fill my house with children. It may or may not come through pregnancy, but God WILL bless me with the desire of children. Lord, make my desires Your desires.