Infertility Appointment

Well.... Where to begin..... Today I saw our infertility doctor. I had gone there in hopes of getting progesterone to prevent any more miscarriages once I got pregnant. Instead of getting the prescription for progesterone, I got a prescription for clomid, possible blood thinners and a whole bunch of tough news. Come to find out Josh's infertility was not healed. His urologist was looking at his results individually instead of as a whole. Looking at his results as a whole he is unable to get me pregnant with out help. I can't believe we are having to go back down this road again! This time around instead of being hurt I am scared out of my mind. I know God is the great physician and regardless of what any doctor or test says, if God wants us pregnant He will make it happen. What I am fearful of is the ridicule that we will receive for choosing to use these different methods to help us get pregnant. It's hard enough to go down this road, but to go down it with the ridicule and lack of encouragement from others makes the road SO much more difficult. Just so there is no misunderstandings, all of our friends, and most of Josh and I's family are supportive in our endeavour to conceive. I am fearful of attending church/church functions and seeing the whispers and cold shoulders that some people give. All I want is for others to pray for me, love me, and encourage me through this. I doesn't matter if you agree with me or not, just show us the love that Christ would show us. Infertility is such a touchy subject in churches today. I just don't understand why! We pray for cancer patients and encourage them. Why do we treat people plagued with infertility like they have committed some type of crime? A blessing in the midst of all this is that Josh's results are in range to do IUI (Inter Uterine Insemination). This is the whole turkey baster idea. Our doctor us confident that as long as Josh's results do not change for the worse, that this will work in time. Another blessing along with this is that this is a lot cheaper than the IUI we were having to do before Jonah. It will be close to $500 a try rather than the $2,000 a try. Our nest battle to over come once we conceive is sustaining the pregnancy. The doctor had me do two more blood tests today. He thinks that what might be causing me to miscarry is that once I get pregnant blood clots are forming around my uterus. If that's the case then they will put me on blood thinners before and during pregnancy. If this is not the case, the doctor is at a loss on why I am loosing my babies. Please pray that my blood work DOES come back abnormal! In this case abnormal is better than normal because we have a reason and it can be fixed. Some people have the mentality that if you can't get pregnant on your own that that means God doesn't want you to have children. I think this is a very ignorant and heartless way of thinking. If that was what God really meant then why does He gives us examples of women in the bible that faced infertility? God gives us these examples of infertility; Rachel, Hannah, Sarah, Queen Esther and so many more! Along with this he gives us examples of women who adopted. Moses mother and Joseph (Jesus' earthly father) come to mind when I think of adoption! Not only are this examples, but Josh and I's life is living proof that God wanted us to have children despite our infertility! He blessed us with our son Jonah! If we had just given up when we were told we would not be able to have children what would have become of Jonah? God's glory and love shown through all these lives that walked the path of infertility. For those of you that think it is disgusting to talk about infertility or think it is just God saying no on having children, I will pray for you! I pray that infertility never plagues your life or the lives of your loved ones because it is like a cancer! It can destroy families, self worth, marriages, and so much more. I urge you to put your opinions aside and encourage and love those that are walking this heart wrenching path. Today my heart is broken and my strength is gone. My hearts desire is to have one viable pregnancy, but I just don't know if I have enough strength in me to go down this path again. Some people, I'm sure, will say "Just adopt again". I wish it were that simple. I would LOVE to adopt again, but adoption is just as difficult as this road of infertility. Not only that, but Josh and I do not have $10,000+ sitting in our back pocket to do another adoption. I wish I did! I feel so helpless right now. Even though the infertility is cheaper, it's not guaranteed to work and even though the adoption is guaranteed to work for us, we don't have the money for it. All I ever wanted was to have several children and live happily ever after. Why does the road to have children have to be this hard? I thought it was raising the kids that was supposed to be the hard part? Even though this was tough to take in today, I am SO blessed to have been able to come home to Jonah's laughter and hugs after hearing this news, instead of coming home alone and crying on the floor of the bathroom like times before. Dear Lord, You are my rock in the midst of all this brokenness and uncertainty. Please renew my strength and fill me with energy and hope to carry me the rest of this journey. Please show us which path, adoption, IUI, or both, that you want us to go down. Whatever way it may be, please provide the finances for that path. Please surround us with love and encouragement from everyone we know. Please Lord, bless us with the desire of our hearts. Thank you so much for your precious gift of Jonah and for the knowledge you have given our doctors. Help me to never take my eyes off of you as we run this race. Lord, I desperately cling to you. Please don't let me fall. I love you. Amen.