Letting it all out.....
The last week has been one of my most challenging weeks with infertility since we brought Jonah home. I have been trying to bury my hurt over the last few weeks in hopes of forgetting it, but it's not working. So here I am finding the need to let it out on this page. First off, I feel so incredibly guilty for even feeling this pain when I have the most beautiful son in the whole world! I see Jonah as my son! I don't see him as adopted. The Lord made Jonah to be my son and he made me to be his mommy. I think of his adoption like how you think of finding the 'right one'. As little girls we dream of someday marring that one man that God has for us. Well, after marriage Josh and I dreamt of that one child God had for us. Jonah is the one! He's the one that we had prayed for for 5 years! He is and will always be my joy despite my pain. "What God has joined together let no man separate" Mark 10:9.
I thought that after adopting our son, that all my pain of loosing my babies and going through years of infertility, would just disappear. Well, that has not been the case. It's not near as bad as what it was before Jonah and I am not angry with God at all. I think what has caused this pain to resurface is the stress from the adoption and January 30th. Two years ago on that date I lost my first baby. Oh man, two years later and it still hurts! When I pray all I can get out is "Oh Lord it hurts! Please make it stop". This is a pain that not only do I feel in my heart, but I feel the aches of pain from head to toe. It doesn't help either that everyday when I walk into work I see at least a couple of new mommies sitting in their wheel chairs with their tiny newborns waiting to be picked up. At first I thought it was some kind of sick torture to remind me of what I wont get to experience, but then after a lot of prayer God showed me that seeing that is a reminder from Him of what I will get to experience. It is to give me hope and keep me focused on what WILL happen instead of what wont happen. On top of that God led me to a verse back in December on one of my down days. "The Lord your God will bless you as He has promised", Deuteronomy 15:6. I know with out a doubt that this was God telling me that He will bless me with having a baby. I still have a hard time accepting this only because it has been 5 months since we were told that our infertility was maraciously cured and still nothing has happened. I don't understand why God would heal our infertility and then not allow it to happen. But who am I to question it, I'm not God. I pray that He will bring me wisdom and understanding.
It doesn't matter to me at all if my children are biological or not. Genetics do not make a family. Anyone can give birth, but not just anyone can be a parent. It is love that binds a family together. I guess you could say that caring a successful pregnancy is something I need to check off from my bucket list. It's something that as a woman I feel I have to experience. I know, some of you out there are probably thinking why would you want to experience labor pains? Crazy as it sounds, I want to! I want it all! I want the weight gain, the stretch marks, the labor pains, and everything else that comes with it! I am more than happy to give up my size 2 pants for maternity pants and my flat tummy for a bulging baby bump! I am also more than happy to trade in my smooth skin for stretch marks! I think I might be the only mommy on the beach that would proudly wear a bikini to show off my stretch marks! LOL!
Despite my lack of understanding with God's plan I know deep down inside that God will bless me with many more successful adoptions and someday He will bless me with a pregnancy that will make it. Even though I know this deep down inside I still have my moments when I get blinded by my pain. I don't know why God does what He does. I try really hard not to question Him. I do know that His plan for my life is perfect and better than anything I could ever ask for.
So for now, I will cry my heart out unto my Lord and He will hold me in His arms and catch the never ending flood of tears that roll down my cheeks and through my pain I will praise Him for my son and for the many more babies He will bless me with in the future!
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
I thought that after adopting our son, that all my pain of loosing my babies and going through years of infertility, would just disappear. Well, that has not been the case. It's not near as bad as what it was before Jonah and I am not angry with God at all. I think what has caused this pain to resurface is the stress from the adoption and January 30th. Two years ago on that date I lost my first baby. Oh man, two years later and it still hurts! When I pray all I can get out is "Oh Lord it hurts! Please make it stop". This is a pain that not only do I feel in my heart, but I feel the aches of pain from head to toe. It doesn't help either that everyday when I walk into work I see at least a couple of new mommies sitting in their wheel chairs with their tiny newborns waiting to be picked up. At first I thought it was some kind of sick torture to remind me of what I wont get to experience, but then after a lot of prayer God showed me that seeing that is a reminder from Him of what I will get to experience. It is to give me hope and keep me focused on what WILL happen instead of what wont happen. On top of that God led me to a verse back in December on one of my down days. "The Lord your God will bless you as He has promised", Deuteronomy 15:6. I know with out a doubt that this was God telling me that He will bless me with having a baby. I still have a hard time accepting this only because it has been 5 months since we were told that our infertility was maraciously cured and still nothing has happened. I don't understand why God would heal our infertility and then not allow it to happen. But who am I to question it, I'm not God. I pray that He will bring me wisdom and understanding.
It doesn't matter to me at all if my children are biological or not. Genetics do not make a family. Anyone can give birth, but not just anyone can be a parent. It is love that binds a family together. I guess you could say that caring a successful pregnancy is something I need to check off from my bucket list. It's something that as a woman I feel I have to experience. I know, some of you out there are probably thinking why would you want to experience labor pains? Crazy as it sounds, I want to! I want it all! I want the weight gain, the stretch marks, the labor pains, and everything else that comes with it! I am more than happy to give up my size 2 pants for maternity pants and my flat tummy for a bulging baby bump! I am also more than happy to trade in my smooth skin for stretch marks! I think I might be the only mommy on the beach that would proudly wear a bikini to show off my stretch marks! LOL!
Despite my lack of understanding with God's plan I know deep down inside that God will bless me with many more successful adoptions and someday He will bless me with a pregnancy that will make it. Even though I know this deep down inside I still have my moments when I get blinded by my pain. I don't know why God does what He does. I try really hard not to question Him. I do know that His plan for my life is perfect and better than anything I could ever ask for.
So for now, I will cry my heart out unto my Lord and He will hold me in His arms and catch the never ending flood of tears that roll down my cheeks and through my pain I will praise Him for my son and for the many more babies He will bless me with in the future!
The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
No comments:
Post a Comment